Lunch is Not a Date

I’m sorry to see this interview end. It was a lot of fun! But, as they say, all good things must come to an end (bad things, too, I guess, eh?). Before we get into the final questions, this is a link I forgot to put up as part of the second part of the interview. It’s the “Bad Girl Anthem:” http://vixentales.blogspot.com/2008/06/bad-girl-anthem.html

Okay, again, my questions and comments are in italics; her answers straight.

Do you think there are a lot of BS “rules” for women that women should ignore? How can you get them to ignore them, if so? 

Yes, of course there are alot of BS rules. First of all, anything written by Emily Post needs to be burned! Maybe if you were dating in the 1800s, The Rules would still apply, but this is the 21st century… it’s a whole new playing field out there. The feminist movement strove to empower women, so why is it that when it comes to relationships, dating and the bedroom we still are willing to take the backseat? Sure, a man doesn’t like an overly aggressive woman, but there is a difference between stating what you want and emasculating the man.

Most of your book (which I absolutely love by the way!) is full of stories of women that want one thing but say or act a different way. Why can’t we just be upfront and honest? What’s wrong with keeping it real? If we stripped away all the bullshit, then we would be able to get everything we want out of the relationship. The best relationship I’ve had occured not in the first 6 rosy honeymoon months, but after that, when it got raw, gritty and the veneer was stripped away. We saw each other in our true colors (which were not pretty), but still made it work. Now I’m comfortable knowing that I can just be myself any moment of any day with my fiance and not have to keep this ‘front’.

So please ladies, ignore all the friggin rules, ignore what your friends’ are telling you, go with your intuition and let your heart lead you.

Well said! BTW, you have great taste… It took me along time to realize that women communicate via actions over words; when they don’t match, heed the actions not the words. Nice guys especially miss this. And I totally agree that it would be much better for women if they didn’t. My best relationships have been with those who haven’t, too. What exactly is an “assclown?” (Don’t let it be me, don’t let it be me…) 

You’re an assclown! LOL… actually in reading your book, you’ve had some ass-clowning moments–dude, you can be such a jerk! No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend *wink*. NML from Baggage Reclaim coined that phrase “Assclown” with me and it’s kinda stuck. It’s a guy that is full of shit! The PUA’s, the Mr. Unavailables, the players, pretty much all the undesirables are assclowns.
 

Yes, I wholly admit I have been a jerk in the past, albeit 10-12 years ago. What defined me as a jerk? I always put my needs and wants ahead of the woman’s. How do you get a guy to commit or is it better to just cut your losses and move on?

You can’t get a guy to do anything he doesn’t want to do. The only person that you can control in a relationship is yourself. If you need to be in a secure, committed monogamous relationship… just tell him:

“Look, we’ve been going strong for a while now, but I’d like to make things more serious. I can understand if you don’t want to do that, but I really have to honor my needs.” The guy that is right for you, will ponder this, and oblige you, because really, at the end of the day, he just wants to make you happy. The guy that doesn’t… well then, he’s not Mr. Right… and you should just cut your losses.

At the same time, as one of my wise readers once sagely pointed out… “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.” But for me, however sweet the journey might be, if we’ve been together for a couple of years with no hope of a future, and he’s still resistant despite your expressions of your needs, then it’s buh-bye love.

Do you think women receive an unfair amount of pressure for the blame of relationships not working? That the burden of “making it work” is dumped on them by the media and “PhD’s?” 

No, I think guys get the worst rap., They are always villified and made to look like a dog. Rarely do you hear a woman say, “Oh I was so needy and whiny, and was stalking him and checking his phone, so that’s why he broke up with me.” The story will read more like, “He’s such a dick, he was cheating on me the whole time–” even if the guy was not cheating.

Women have a need to overdramatize their relationships, and even when it’s a small reason that they broke up, they won’t take responsibility for it but will heap it all squarely on the guy’s head. I’ve rewritten my breakup history in the same way, but it wasn’t until I started taking into account that the common-denominator in all those failed relationships was me, that I truly learned from my bad relationship behaviors and broke the cycle.
 

Wow, sounds like you went through a lot of growth. Looks like we share that, eh? I thought I was tough on women at times to take more accountability but you… Is Oprah good or bad for women when it comes to relationships? How so? What about women’s magazines? Again, how so?         

Oprah???? Dude… that is so 90’s! Only my mom watches Oprah! It’s all about Tyra-mania now! And I don’t think Tyra Banka is bad for women, I think that she understands alot of what women are going through right now because she’s been there herself and so whatever the situation is, she can totally relate to it.

Women don’t get their relationship advice from one source, they get it through the media, their friends, their parents’ relationships, romance novels, movies etc, etc. The list is endless. So we can’t blame one person/thing. 

Women’s magazines proliferate the ideal that you have to do something extra to snag or keep a man. You have to be hotter, funnier, sexier, better in bed, etc. In my experience that isn’t true at all; you just have to be open, smile, be approachable and yourself.

As for keeping a man… that isn’t hard either. Sorry Ian, but men are such simple creatures, they just want good food, some time alone/space, lots of blowjobs, occasional sex and a cool beer. It’s really not that complicated. (Okay… I know, I must have sounded so arrogant with the last line… but it’s true!). Have you seen the list of what women want? Yes… there is a list: http://vixentales.blogspot.com/2006/01/vixens-guide-to-what-women-want.html; Just doing all that is enough to make the wrong guy run screaming in the other direction as far as his legs can take him. It’s a good way to weed out the assclowns. I’m afraid to even look at the list. 

And here is a list why we totally adore,put up and love you guys (I think you’ll like #42)… http://vixentales.blogspot.com/2006/04/in-adoration-why-we-love-men.html. Thanks for the interview, Ian. It was alot of fun!

Great stuff, all around, Vixen. You should be the spokesperson and lead authority on advice for women, everywhere. Your stuff is so down-to-earth honest and holds no punches. It also–and this is key–isn’t about manipulation. Thanks again for participating.

Find Vixen at http://vixentales.blogspot.com/ and http://baggagereclaim.com/. There will be no post this Thursday due to the holiday but I’ll be back the following week. Thanks, as always, for reading and happy holidays!

Continued interview with the Vixen; good stuff! The first part is here: http://www.lunchisnotadate.org/?p=72 Find her blog, Bad Girl’s Guide, at http://vixentales.blogspot.com/. (My questions are in italics; her answers normal.)

Waiting for the guy to call is a recurring theme in your writings; why do so many women wait for the guy to call? Why not go on with your life? Or, if you have his digits, why not call him?

I don’t even think I’m qualified to answer this question because I’ve never waited for a call. For starters, I don’t pick up unidentified numbers, (I HATE talking on the phone), and I’m always doing something with my busy schedule.

One of the first posts I wrote on this blog was about Getting a Life. I’ve come across so many women that their whole social life consists of dating. They don’t do anything else besides date… they don’t hang out with friends, have hobbies, or stay active in the community.

I think that women who do are so wrapped up in the guy before you even have a relationship developed. Talk about falling quick… this is a classic example.

Women wait for the guy to call because that’s the expected societal norm. I think all books by Emily Post (The Rules) should be burned… they represent such an antiquated view of women and feminity.  Also, we think that if we call him, we end up looking desperate and easy.

We should think however, is the guy desperate when he calls you? No… Someone has to open up the line of communication. And since you are sitting by the phone, why don’t you call? (He probably won’t answer because he has a life… in which case you can leave a message.) I would recommend leaving one message with your phone number and then assume that he won’t call you and go about your fabulous life. That way, if he does, it will be a pleasant surprise.

Also keep in mind that if a guy wants to talk to you… he will move heaven, earth and the planetary alignment to get in touch. I heard of a guy that got a number from this girl in a bar that he really gelled with. He washed his jeans, lost the number, and visited the bar every single evening at the same time for 3 months in the hopes of locating her. He finally saw her again, they reconnected and they ended up happily ever after. That’s how much dedication that a guy who is interested in you should bring to the table.

That’s exactly why I don’t wash my jeans. I’m glad you enourage women to have an active social life outside dating. I talk a lot about that in God and in my columns. It’s even more important after you break up, to keep from gravitating back to the guy simply because you have nothing else.

Why wait around for men in general? Women complain men are “clueless,” so why not take more initiative, instead of waiting for “clueless” people to make a move? Do you feel that some women really just want the drama; that it gives them something to talk about?

I think this stems from all those romance novels… the women kept pining and waiting for the man to make his move. Alot of notions about dating, relationships and sex are built around the subliminal messages that we’ve ingested since birth.

LOL… yes some women love drama. In fact, I can state that a good majority of women love drama. I love drama… oh my gosh, I’m so melodramatic. I have a super great relationship, but when I talk to my girlfriends, all of a sudden it’s like, “Woe is me, he left the socks out of the hamper, he forgot to take the trash out, he fell asleep while I was talking to him…” We do just love to talk and hash out topics. Venting is our way of getting rid of all that excess emotional energy that we have but can’t communicate to the guy because we are afraid of ’scaring him off’. I feel the guy that is right for you wouldn’t be scared off by you getting all emo on him… so go ahead and COMMUNICATE!

What general dating advice do you have for women? Men? (If you say “Be yourself,” can I punch your fiancé in the face? Apparently, I just really want to punch someone in the face.)

LOL… don’t punch him in the face… his face is way too fine… I don’t want to messing up his sexy visage. (Although having a broken nose could increase the hotness..*thinking*..naaaaah, let’s not test it!)

Advice for Women - How about starting with some of the Pearls of Wisdom. Dating is supposed to be fun… a chance at self discovery, re-discovery and learning something new about not only the person, but yourself. We tend to jump ahead too soon into dating… stop and savor the journey, it’s not always about the destination. You can’t have a good relationship if you are not in love with yourself first. Stop thinking you can change the man… it’s not going to happen. Instead of trying to wear the pants in the relationships, focus your energies on being the feminine counterpart to his masculinity. Don’t use sex to control the relationship.  Stop trying to be in control period… and just go with the flow. Our need for control often leads us to self sabotage the relationship. If you have a good man (i.e. a guy that respects you, loves you and treats you well), then pretty much all your bases are covered and you don’t have to stress or try to manipulate him into doing anything.
 
Men - it’s not always about sex for us! The easiest way to get a girl hooked into you is to show that you are interested but not too interested. There is a fine line that has to be walked between turning into a stalker and being standoffish. Stimulate us mentally… the best seduction happens when two like minds connect. Show us that you’re interested in getting to know me as a person, and not just as a notch on your bedpost. Most women love sex… but the thing that keeps us in check is that our hearts tend to follow quickly where our bodies lead. So that is why we are hesitating… and not because we aren’t into you.

Wow! Your advice to women flies right into the face of the general consensus in most woman self-help books. I love it! It’s actually helpful and accurate; what a concept! If you like broken noses, you should date hockey players. Sign your guy up for a team.

What is a bad girl? How are bad girls and bad boys different? The same?

The very first post I wrote on my blog defined my definition of a Bad Girl. For starters, a bad girl is not an evil person. She is not a mean bitch, unless she has to be. She is a fun, feisty, independent female with her own place, car, job and money. A bad girl is a sexy and sassy sista who has everything (well almost everything) going for her and is still continually striving to improve herself. When I say bad, I don’t mean naughty-bad, hard-ass bad or even evil-bad. I mean BAD! Like a cool, intelligent, modern female that has her life as orderly as she can get it.

A bad girl is BAD because she doesn’t live by the rules, she makes her own. A BAD girl is a sista that can wield the cloak of power easily during 9-5, but slip into a sexy party girl when the sun goes down. She’s gorgeous, and she knows it, even if she does have stretch marks and cellulite from here to Timbuktu. She is fabulous, radiant, beautiful on the inside and out. Her self confidence is at an all time high, even if she has to fake it until she feels it.

The power of a BAD girl is that she knows what she wants out of life and is trying hard to get it. She wants the great job with the six-figure salary, she wants the perfect home and to be a great hostess. She wants the perfect man of her dreams. A BAD girl is working on her self first—her life, her aspirations and on building her empire.

Bad Boys? For me bad boys are the antithesis of that. Bad boys are all puff and no promise, cocky, arrogant, manipulative, mysterious, brooding, and totally selfish. They put their needs first… the fast car, fast bike, tricked out toys, etc, while they have children with unpaid child support. In a relationship, bad boys make the worse partners because you are stuck constantly trying to please him and don’t have the same consideration. A Bad Boy is relegated in modernistic terms as a player, pimp or Don Juan. He wants women for the conquest, the notch on his bedpost and the thrill of re-telling the story to his boys. He is insecure on the inside, so he has to act overtop and like the macho, alpha male to cover up that insecurity. A  Bad Boy is pretending, trying to be the center of attention and likes to have people talk about him. He’s more concerned with what others think of him and rarely spends time in introspection learning about himself.

Are they the same? Hell no!

Ah, a point on which we finally disagree! I’ve been waiting for this… I would describe your bad boy as a combination of player and jerk. To guys like myself and Steve Santagati, a bad boy is more of someone who really enjoys women, even has lots of women friends, but doesn’t really know what he wants, so everything new grabs his fancy. This can cause him to lose interest quickly.

How should a guy approach and ask out a woman?

First of all, please don’t use any of those corny lines! You should check out her non-verbal signals first to see if she’s interested. If she is smiling at you, playing with her hair or staring at you—she wants you to come over. She is giving you the green light—which means that she wants to talk to you. This doesn’t mean that you should come over and start groping her. Talk to her first, ask her name, and tell her yours. Ask her a question about her outfit (we love that!). It’s an indirect way of saying that you were checking us out, and shows that you pay attention. Avoid questions that require yes/no responses… you want to have open-ended questions. Show that you are listening to our responses and not just staring at our boobs by asking intriguing follow-up questions. If she doesn’t blow you off in a couple of minutes, you’re in like Flynn. After a few minutes, say, “Look, I’m really enjoying this conversation and would like to continue it at a later time. Can I have your number?”

This method is simple, direct and efficient. Take her number (she’ll probably be sitting by the phone waiting for you to call…)

Love the tip on asking open-ended questions, especially. What is your worst date? Best date? Why?

My worst date was with this guy that kept complimenting me—you wonder… how could that ever be a bad thing? The date was 30 minutes—a meet/greet/coffee thing, and within that time frame he must have told me I was beautiful like 50 times. It was nice the first few times, but it got kinda creepy and super weird quick. I started feeling like he was so enraptured that he was going to drug me and drag me out to his shed where he keeps his ‘beautiful corpses.’ *shudder* Needless to say, I escaped unscathed and never spoke to him again.

I’ve had a lot of awesome dates in my time. It’s really hard to quantify the best. I would have to say just spending 1:1 time with my fiancé beats every other date I’ve ever had. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, just good eats, my hand in his; and our usual easy conversation. I think once you are spending time with the right person, everything else just falls into place and makes the date absolutely divine.

Oh, you’re the woman my friend Johnny was talking about… Hmm, I’ll have to check out his shed sometime when no he isn’t around. Best gift you ever got from a guy? Why?

My engagement ring of course! Not only is it big, beautiful and just what I wanted; the significance behind it totally has me in knots. Here’s something I’ve never shared with anyone… it’s engraved and says “My Heart” in Italian, Yoruba & Hebrew.

Cool. Thanks for sharing that in our interview; I’m flattered. Pet peeve about men? Women?

What’s the deal with men and their fascination with their penises?? I don’t get it, but the posturing, packing, cupping, erection of monuments and buildings with phallic symbols, it’s too over the top. It’s just a body part… get over it. You don’t see women erecting pussy buildings!

My pet peeve with women is all that internal fighting. We can do much more, and be stronger as a unit. The backbiting, gossipy and trying to pull each other down needs to stop!

Construction begins on my building in the new year. Don’t knock it till you see it. I’m not just talking about the building… Yeah, it really amazes guys how women compete and hurt each other. I’ve seen women use and hurt friends, like ruining their chance with a guy simply because they’re jealous the guy is interested in their friend and not them. Crazy! Aren’t we supposed to be happy for our friends?

Third and final part of this interview goes up on Monday of next week. Don’t miss it! 

After some technical difficulties, my latest interview is finally here. It’s of Vixen and I think you’ll find it very insightful and interesting. Vixen reminds me of myself—she writes for more than one site, has an edge, and wants to really help other people with their dating lives. In fact, one of the sites she writes for is Baggage Reclaim, where she is one of several advisors who answer women’s dating questions. Vixen is 27 and you can check out her blog “Bad Girl’s Guide” (that alone should let you know that this is going to be an intriguing interview) at Vixen Tales. There are links to her other writings and material there. I encourage you to check it out; there is a lot of good, thought provoking material there, especially for those women among you who find yourself dating guys who won’t commit—whether they be idiots, losers, emotionally unavailable, or married. I especially felt a particular bond with Vixen because her journal is “the stuff no one ever wrote down.” That, as many of you know, is exactly why I wrote my book and why I declined the chance to publish it with a big publisher—I wanted to keep it accurate, not make it useless hype. 

For those visiting from Vixen’s site, I’ll take a moment to explain my interview format. I tend to ask questions while also making comments and observations, often drawing from my own experiences. (If you’re looking for the moment, that was it.) Let’s roll. (Of course, the interview is so chalk full, it will be spread across a few entries. The next one will go up next Tuesday, the 16th.) My questions are in italic, her answers straight. As always, any unusual spacing and font changes are due to the annoying wordpress style sheets. Hopefully, new software early next year will eliminate them.

Thanks for participating, Vixen. You’re “feisty,” eh? How so? What are some of the feisty things you have done? Have you ever walked out on a date? Do you have friends ready to give you the “rescue call” on dates?

Wow…you hit the ground running Ian!! Some of the feisty things I’ve done involve throwing darts at the map to find the next place I’m moving to (usually every 1-2 years). Now I’m in Portland, OR, but I’ve lived in the Bay Area, CA; Huntsville, AL; Baltimore, MD; Berrien Springs, MI; and I’m heading to El Centro (right on the border of Mexico–for the winter). I’m a travel-holic… that’s my addiction,and I’m aiming to fill every page on my passport before it expires in 7 years. I’m very impetuous and spoiled–I want what I want. I’m a true Libra, meaning I love being the life of the party. Other elements of feisty-ness include speaking my mind, taking up all kinds of dares (stripping naked on the street, ingesting non-food substances, public romps of sexuality etc.)

No, I’ve never walked out on a date. I tend to play devil’s advocate for the first date and give people the benefit of doubt until I reach my front door. Then it’s “See ya later dude.” I have cut dates short with some mundane excuse, but never left anyone just standing there.

I’ve never been in need of rescue calling. If I find myself in an untenable situation, I’ll just do the rescuing myself.

Wow. Next time you’re stripping in the street, be sure to let  me know. In fact, I have this sudden urge to make a dare… How many people do you think really listen to and follow advice? Why or why not? How can we get them to follow advice? Have you done things to get them to do so?

Bajillions of people! (is that a word?). Honestly I don’t know. Most people just write for answers to their questions but never have a followup to let me know how it went. I’m sure on Baggage Reclaim, there are hundreds of women that have been saved from Assclown relationships… (They are so nice to write in!) So people… be courteous and let me know what happened!

I’m sure that some people do follow the advice, but it’s easy to give advice when you aren’t emotionally invested in the relationship. When emotions are involved, then things get dicey… and I can understand why some women have problems letting go.

The only thing I’ve done is to keep writing about topics that nag my mind. Or if someone writes a question, I come back to it weeks later and address it again in another post. I’ve sent links to friends or people that I know that have certain issues–(I should get one of those “I’m blogging about you” T-shirts made).

My five-year-old nephew says, “bajillions” all the time, so clearly it is a word. Every dating blogger on the web seems to have an area of specialty; a particular topic that takes over. For example, there are ones that discuss interracial dating issues, virginity, even dating in the south or just being single instead of worrying about dating. Many of your readers and those who ask you questions seem to date a lot of guys who cheat. They are often some version of “the other woman.” Why do so many women date guys who are not available? What makes the available guys so unappealing?

I’ve actually written a post about that last year. http://vixentales.blogspot.com/2006/02/why-dont-we-want-right-guys.html

So many times women know they aren’t with a good guy, but love the drama and craziness that being with a bad boy brings. Some try to fix the guy and love the challenge. Some women have Daddy issues (from absentee dads or poor fathers) and so date to ‘get back at their father’ or to validate their self esteem, or feel like they need a man to live. I’ve also experienced women that actually feel like they deserve Mr. Wrong because they feel guilty for something in their past. Women are complicated creatures… we could be scared, desperate, depressed, self-hating, and instead of working on ourselves, we make poor choices and make things worse.

What makes Available guys so unappealing? I think it has to do with the thrill of the chase. Personally, I think women are the hunters (yes, it does flip the script!). The amount of thought, emotion and planning we put into dating isn’t some casual thing as if we were just drinking water at the spring. For us, it goes beyond a visceral instinctual emotion. We are on the prowl, and when a guy catches our eyes, we turn it ON just to get with him. 

Guys that are too easy to get… well, we end up not appreciating them. I’m not saying that a good guy has to be a total dick to get a woman interested in him–but leave some challenge in the equation. Truthfully, we like to savor the early parts of a budding relationship, the excitement, nervous anticipation, will he or won’t he kiss me, when will he call etc… so rushing past that leaves you cheated.

Even if a guy is emotionally available, he still shouldn’t make himself a doormat, or 100% accessible. We love our men with backbone. Confidence is totally sexy.

Did you read that, guys? “Confidence is totally sexy.” I’ve only been harping on the importance of confidence forever but I still see plenty of guys out there who intentionally build a phony friendship with a woman in order to get close to her and ask her out later. Saps. Who mistreats women worse: Men or other women? How do you feel about literature and advice that encourages women to mistreat each other, such as books like Having an Affair? A Handbook for the “Other Woman”? Do you feel such material detracts from your message in places like Baggage Reclaim, where you help as part of their mission—”empowering women & their relationships?”

In my experience, Women mistreat other women worse. Even at the workplace, you have cattiness, backbiting and gossiping. Women are envious of other women… we are insecure beings and constantly compare ourselves to our friends. There is always the Queen Bee that thinks that she rules the world and can do whatever she likes (usually because she was Daddy’s little Princess growing up).

Men don’t intentionally hurt women (except for those Women Haters). The mistakes men make are usually based off of him just putting his own needs first and being selfish. And of course being led by their dicks.

Women make a conscious choice to destroy anybody that they consider competition. Women feel like they constantly have to prove themselves, that they are better, smarter, finer etc. than other women. When you see a guy at the car wash with the hottest, flyest car out there, other men will come over, look at it, give him some congratulations and talk about the specs. If that same situation were reversed… a woman would eye the car, state that hers is better, find something wrong with it, cast some dirty looks and say, “She thinks she’s all that cos she has a new car” or something equally catty.

It’s actually part of the Woman Code that we don’t consort with another woman’s man. But so many women choose to ignore this rule. I personally don’t condone such books and it brings down the value of womanhood, our power, solidarity and our femininity. Your sixth sense, your moral and ethical code should be screaming at you that you are WRONG, but most people are too caught up in their own selfish desires to pay attention. Books like that set the precedence for us demeaning ourselves. That’s why I love Baggage Reclaim, because women can be so much more than they are allowing themselves to become.

I love the car analogy! And I can quote right from the introduction of God–”Despite all their complaints, no one treats women worse than other women.” Yes, I’m continually amazed at how selfish people are. Now that you are getting married, do you promise not to become one of those annoying couples who is always trying to hook up their friends, saying things like, “Oh, we should introduce you to…?” If you do promise, and you break your promise, can we punch you in the face? (Or, in a guy’s case, your man in the face?)

I’m already one of those horrible couples! I’m so obvious about it too! I hooked up my best college buddy with her present husband and now I think I’m the Matchmaking Queen because they are so happy 3 years later. My single coworkers know that Im notorious for trying to hook people up… but it’s not random, it’s a scientific process. I don’t want to screw up my 100% hookup rate, you know ;).

So yeah, I can’t promise, since I know that I will break that promise! I just want everyone as happy and in lurve as I am.

“Lurve?” Gag, gag… this will be a good time for us to take a break. Next part of the interview will be up on Tuesday, Dec. 16th. (Glad you found, “lurve,” though.)

I know the interview w/Vixen was supposed to go up yesterday but I’m having problems w/files opening in Word. It will go up Tuesday, instead. Sorry!

That’s the name of a cute book a nine-year-old named Alec Greven wrote. It’s 46-pages long and it has good insight. It’s for kids, of course, and meant to just be cute. And if you look on Amazon, pua wanna-be’s are criticizing it, saying it doesn’t really have much useful advice like in other pua guides. Hmm; can’t imagine why you’re having a tough time with women…

Coming Thursday, interview with Vixen!