I’ve been getting a lot of emails from virgins, mostly males around 40, since my interview with Queen Virgin. They’ve been asking me for help. The biggest problem seems to be breaking the ice with women. I wrote this article a while ago about my own experience getting good at talking with women. You can find it here. Read it! And have a good T-Day.
I am still waiting for some responses to questions for my next interviews. I do have Doc Love’s replies but want to give it special attention and may tie it into something on Askmen.com, so I’m holding off on putting up my review and interview with him till a later date. This is a review I did of “The Mystery Method” on Amazon (I wanted to post the video heare but am having technical difficulties); the review provides good insight into the pua techniques and the basis of why they work and in what situation they work:
(If you missed the first two parts of this interview… where the hell have you been!? ;) Check out the last two posts before reading this, also linked below.)
http://www.lunchisnotadate.org/?p=65 http://www.lunchisnotadate.org/?p=66
My questions and comments are in italics; Queen V’s answers are straight arabic. (Sorry for the font style/size changes and some of the spacing; it’s an annoying wordpress css problem when pasting from Word and I’m not about to re-type all this…)
Virgins seem to fall into two categories—those who choose to be virgins and those who don’t but struggle with the interactions that lead to sex. For me, I started as the earlier but by choosing to be a virgin, it greatly impacted how I socialized and interacted as a teen. In college I became the latter because I hadn’t learned how to interact to engage in sex. I became so frustrated I forced myself to learn how to socialize and after a while surpassed most people in the ability to socialize, date, and get laid. (Side note: The one advantage of waiting is that I learned how to socialize while remaining myself, as opposed to how people learn to socialize when they are teens, which is shaped more by peer pressure.) You are clearly the earlier. Do you think choosing to be a virgin has shaped how you socialize? If so, what are the positives of that? Negatives? Do you think at some point you will become the latter? How can virgins such as yourself avoid becoming the latter?
One of the reasons I never thought of my virginity as a conscious choice is because I wasn’t against having sex, I was just waiting to meet someone I actually wanted to have it with. This is still the case. Despite all I have said about avoiding getting into a situation where sex was an option, I’ve alwaysfelt that when I met someone I connected with all my fears would alleviate and I would happily do the deed. The problem for me is the meeting someone part that I think this expectation of connecting has caused, and in effect definitely shaped how I socialize. My parents fell in love at first sight and are still married 43 years later so I have trouble understanding why I should have to work so hard to find someone. So many other people meet in the course of their daily lives too, why not me? When it comes down to it, if you’re a guy who clearly has no interest in me I can talk to you all night, be myself and at ease, but If you’re a guy who likes me, I will most likely run in the other direction. It’s that damn guilt complex. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or come off as a bitch for judging that I’m not interested within the first five minutes of the conversation. I am quite aware that my desire for this romantic notion of love at first sight is ridiculous, but I have to at least have like at first sight, and even that hasn’t happened, yet. (I know you’re thinking well how could it when I don’t give anyone a chance? I’m a ridiculous human being. I know this.) The positive of it all is that I am always myself around new people. Sometimes that means I’m quiet and shy and other times it means I’m loud and fun. They may sound like contradictions but I’ve lived with myself long enough to know that my comfort level greatly affects which side of my personality shines through.
The negative is that being myself doesn’t seem to make nice with dating. So I think I’ve fallen into the latter in terms of dating but not necessarily socializing, and believe me, knowing this and not being able to change it is as aggravating for me to live as it is for you to read. It’s interesting that in your case you not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings leads to you running from them while in other women’s cases it leads to them having lots of sex.
It seems that most guy virgins aren’t virgins by choice while female virgins are. Do you think that is the case? Do you think it is easier to get laid as a woman than a man? Or is that just sexual myth? Do you still want to be a virgin? What are your thoughts about using an online dating site?
I do believe it’s easier for women because I think in general guys are more willing to sleep with someone they aren’t necessarily attracted to or interested in. Women are pickier, which makes it harder for some guys to get what they want. But again, I have zero experience so I could just be repeating myth. I don’t know if it’s an absolute that guys are not virgins by choice while females are, but my understanding above would certainly help justify it. I have, however, gotten a handful of emails from male virgins who identify with me because of my ‘had other things to do’ consciousness that ended up rendering me an older virgin. Most, if not all the emails I’ve gotten from females, have also been because they identify with my experiences and ways of thought. I’ve only gotten a few comments on the blog from both men and women who declare virginity as their absolute choice and are proud to stand by it. I envy them their resolve. I’m sure they still have issues they struggle with about it, but it just seems so solid. Some may see it as merely semantics, but there is a difference between wanting to lose your virginity and wanting to have sex. For me It’s not losing my virginity I’m concerned with, it’s having sex I will enjoy and want more of with someone I’m interested in and care about. And yes, I’d like to have sex sooner than later. 
Some good points here, but that’s nothing new for you. In my book I actually note how being a comedian was so much more important than getting laid while I was still a virgin in my early twenties–”Anyone could have sex but I was living my dream. How many people can say the same?”
Online dating is not for me. I don’t disparage it or think it’s a bad idea, I just possess too much suspicion for it to ever work for me. Not to revert to another ‘blame mother’ scenario, but she instilled in me a suspicion about men that has taken me a very long time to weaken. Obviously my work is not done as I am still single and not dating, but it is getting better.
The number one reason I do these interviews is to demonstrate how the various elements of dating and relating interact; no matter what our situation we are all part of the same bigger picture and dance to the same cadence. It’s how we choose to move that sets the differences. In your blog, I noticed many things that confirm what I advise. In The Quiet Southern One you talk about how a guy and you could have had a romance if he wasn’t so shy—I encourage guys to take the lead; that a woman almost never will until you are dating and missed many opportunities with women I liked a lot because I couldn’t find my balls. You talk yourself out of things at times, and I’ve done that, too; we all do. In I Lack Sufficient Data you point out how a guy fails to read your lack of interest—I advise guys to pay attention to a woman’s behavior to determine interest, so that they know when they are bothering someone and pushing too far, as opposed to just rambling on with their “game,” as most guys tend.
In No, You Can’t Have My Number. OK, It’s 212… you talk about how a guy pushes to get your number but then never calls (a dilemma about which many women complain!)—I can flat out tell you why he didn’t call: He didn’t think he’d be successful getting a date. Getting digits was a victory, so he’d rather leave it at that than have a failure. This is hands down the #1 reason guys don’t call. I advise women if you want to be sure a guy calls, write your digits down (safer today than risking a nearby psycho overhear your number, put it in his cell and track you down), and squeeze his hand and smile while handing him your number. He’ll call because he is confident he will get a date. Anyone who reads this column regularly or wants more evidence to support my reasoning in my book or previous posts, check out the linked blogs by Queen Vee. Her other stuff is very eye-opening and relevant, too.
When I finally had sex, I learned a lot about women and fallacies—the big one being they are soft, delicate creatures who don’t like sex. “Fuck me harder!” is hardly the cry of such a person… My virgin did the same. She thought it would be quite painful her first time, as do you, but it wasn’t because I moved slowly and gently our first couple times. Soon, she too went from being a virgin to crying out things like, “I love it when you fuck me hard, baby!” Do you have any questions for me about sex? If you have them, I’m guessing your readers have them, too, and I’m happy to answer what I can. After all, turnabout is fair play, I suppose…
Do you think guys in general are fearful of virgins? Or are apt to run if they find out just before they’ve gotten intimate? Obviously it’s not going to be revealed on the first date, but when is an appropriate time to mention the whole virginity thing? One of my fears as I said before was that if I start fooling around with a guy, he’s going to expect sex right then and there (especially at my age when for most people sex is no big deal).
Like anything else, there are upsides and downsides to virgins for the experienced guy. There’s nothing for you to compare us to and we definitely like that! It releaves “perfomance anxiety,” which a lot of guys feel, especially the first time. Also, we can help steer you to what we like because you don’t have a “routine.” (A lot of people have a clear MO in bed and they follow it to the T, no matter how much objecting, yelling… or bleeding… you do. )
We do fear you may make too big a deal about sex, associating it with love and becoming clingy. Being in love doesn’t mean you’ll have great sex and many couples have ended relationships with people they thought they loved or wanted to love becuase of the sex. This is a stereotype about sex that gets perpetuated by Hollywood, abstinence literature, advice to teens, and so forth. The truth is sex is a big part of leading to love, at least at our ages. You need to know if you gel in the bedroom and you can’t do that without having sex. If the sex isn’t compatible, we want to know as soon as possible because that is a huge impact on the relationship. Truth be told, despite Hollywood, parents advice, and literature, there can be size issues, pet peeves, desires that someone just won’t fill, and so forth.
A major reason I broke up with a woman this year was because of incompatible sex. A lot of the things I like to do to show my affection made her laugh; she was ticklish in all my favorite spots. I felt very uncomfortable making love to someone that was basically a limp doll. She needs a guy who is a lot less affectionate in bed; who prefers to just do the deed and be done because if you touch her anywhere, she giggles. I actually like foreplay and that was bad in her case (total opposite of how things usually are when it comes to sex). It would never work in bed. Never. No matter how much we might fall in love, so we knew we had to cut our losses and move on.
Men fear that a virgin may insist on waiting too long to find these things out or, once they find out the sex is incompatible, they may insist on trying to fix it for too long. Compatibility in bed is muy importante (I’m fluent in 2 words in 16 different languages) and the only way you can realize that is by not being a virgin. You can love someone to death, not be compatible in bed, and that will kill it. Believe me. (This is different from loving someone, having good sex, and then it gets bad and tiresome after several years. That’s fixable; incompatibility from the start, even after having sex like on a dozen occassions to work on it without any improvement, cannot be fixed.)
If we like you, we’ll want to wait to see what the sex is like. And we’ll work on it. I did this with my virgin. I would advise not telling a guy you were a virgin until you were in an intimate moment, like right before deciding to lose your virginity with him while you were removing each other’s clothes. This way, he’ll be sure to be gentle and trust me, once a guy’s motor is running, unless a truckload of cattle come running through your living room, nothing is going to stop him from having sex. Actually, at that point, finding out you’re a virgin can be quite erotic. If you tell him early, though, like on a second date or when you have stopped him from trying to take your pants off for the third time, it could scare him away and you’d be doing him and you a disservice because you might really fall for each other. If he gets pissed at you, just show him my answer and blame me.
And you’d be surprised, sex is still a big deal for a lot of us non-virgins. Truthfully, 10% of guys date like 90% of women, which means a lot of guys go without sex for long periods and many women who aren’t virgins still view sex as something they don’t have just to have. A big reason I write all my columns, book, and do these interviews is for the 90% of guys who are dating 10% of the women and for the 90% of women who are dating 10% of the guys. People, that has to change! There are a lot of unhappy daters out there and most of them don’t need to be.
Have you experienced getting pretty far with a woman and then having her say stop…and then continued to see her? Or at least have it not be a big deal? How did/would you or do you think other guys would react?
I dated woman for six months without having sex. She drove me nuts because she was not a virgin. (She used to share stories of her sexual adventures when she was younger but she had “made some decisions about sex;” i.e. not having it unless she really fell for the guy.) If she was a virgin, I probably wouldn’t have stuck around; but, because she wasn’t, the notion of having sex was always a strong possibility. We fooled around a lot but whenever I tried to undress her, she put an end to it. We finally stopped dating because after six months, without sex, where could they relationship go? Nowhere. We couldn’t get to that next level. About a year after we broke up we had torrid sex–we had two years worth of sexual desire pented up between us–and it was some of the best sex either of us ever had. We didn’t get back together because by then all that was between us was friendship and sexual tension. She had moved in with her new boyfriend by then, too, I found out later, but that didn’t matter; regardless, it had become just about the sex. Once we had it, the pressure was relieved and we simply resumed our friendship.
If we know you’re a virgin, when we feel the relationship can’t go any further without sex, you need to give us a timeline or we will abandon ship shortly thereafter. I know a woman who wanted to be married before having sex. She would get pissed because guys she dated for a year or longer would break up with her. “All they wanted was sex,” she would gripe. Really? If all I guy wants is sex (and this was in college, mind you), he’s not sticking around for a year. If it was just about sex, he might stick around until you have that third yager bomb… but not for a year! Think about it, where else could the relationship go? Most guys aren’t going to get married before having sex. A relationship is like anything else–it has to be growing, going somewhere, on its way to something, or it stagnates and dies. That’s what happened in her relationships.
Why won’t most men wait for marriage? For the exact reason I cited above. Could you imagine if ticklish girl and I had gotten married and then found out about each other in bed? We would have been lying there, on our wedding night, realizing we had just made the biggest mistakes of our lives. Not a good time to find that out…
Again, I want to thank Queen Vee for interviewing on what can be a very difficult, personal topic to discuss. (I outta know; I wrote a whole book about it and stamped my name on it! I felt that was the best way to help out people who wanted insight.) Of course, I always thank readers and invite you to email me questions at iancoburn@hotmail.com and/or leave comments here. (I contacted some male virgin bloggers but they never responded to be interviewed, or at least haven’t, yet. I’d like to interview one for the comparisons to this interview.)
I speak from experience. I was happy for a long-time, then slowly became unhappy, then quickly became unhappy. I made changes in my choices, which were not easy to do, but I can’t begin to tell you how glad I am I made them. To any virgins out there, if you’re happy being a virgin, great. If you’re not, it’s time to make changes. It’s not easy but once you get into the flow, you’ll be surprised how effortless it becomes to be who you want. You won’t always get what you want but you’ll find the fact that you tried is all that really matters, in the end. And that will make you happy.
Thanks again, Queen V, and everyone for stopping by and reading the interview. If you like what you saw, please be sure to support both blogs by continuing to read them, spreading the word, and consider any products bloggers may sell–add space, books, t-shirts, whatever. Those sales are what enable blogs and online columns to keep going. You can find the home page to my blog at www.lunchisnotadate.org, my site at www.lunchisnotadate.com (which links to my columns on Lifetime, The Bachelor Guy, etc–good stuff) and Queen V’s blog and site at http://queenvirgin.blogspot.com/. I hope to have the next interview up next Thursday and it will be with one of these three popular Internet presences: Charming but Single, The Vixen (who got me back with a lot of good, evasive questions of her own!), or Doc Love (the expert for Askmen.com).
Thanks again and have a great weekend, everyone.
(If you missed the first part of this interview, check out the last post for it. The third part of the interview will go up Thursday.)
My questions and comments are in italics; Queen V’s answers are straight arabic. (Sorry for the font style/size changes and some of the spacing; it’s an annoying wordpress css problem when pasting from Word and I’m not about to re-type all this…)
I remained a virgin a long-time because I didn’t know how to read a woman’s interest, ask one out, talk to women, thought women didn’t like sex, and didn’t know how to treat women or what they wanted. This led to fear and great discomfort around women I was attracted to. Later, when I got better with women and had chances, I kept waiting for it to be special with someone I really cared about. Why are you a virgin? Flat out. Please, share your reasons.
Hmm…you got a few hours? In talking about my reasons I have to mention the term ‘involuntary virgin’ because it actually helped my understanding of how I got to where I am. The term is one of the most common searches for how people find my blog but I first read it in a salon.com article that I responded to in the post “Involuntary Virginity” and then kind of angrily re-responded to in the post “I Am What I Am”. At any rate, it brought my situation into sharp focus while also giving me a kind of comfort that there were others like me. Enough so that a pop culture journalist was writing about it as an “underground phenomenon”.
I have never actually thought of my virginity as an outright choice though technically I’m aware it is. There was and still is no big reason for staying a virgin. Sex just seemed complicated with the potential for horrible consequences and I always had other things I’d rather do or work towards achieving in life. It was never a declaration of purity for any specific reason. This is where the involuntary virgin term comes into play as it helped me recognize my own indirect but conscious decision. Many people (sometimes intentionally, sometimes unwittingly) get themselves into a situation where sex is an option, but if you never get into that situation you’re never faced with the direct choice.
The indirect, conscious decisions that helped my avoidance of the situation are many, the first and foremost of which is fear. As I mentioned I learned the negative consequences of sex pretty early on and I was afraid of getting an STD or pregnant despite also being educated about contraception. I was smart enough to know teenagers make a lot of mistakes (myself included) so being aware that there was a 1% chance was enough for me. I was also deathly afraid that if I ever got myself into a situation where he wanted it and I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to say no and something bad would happen. Basically I just didn’t want to take the chance so I concentrated on other more important things. Like grades and getting a part in the play.
This carried on through all of my twenties.Being in a relationship always seemed like so much work and more of a hassle than it was worth, so I continued to avoid it by throwing myself into other things. First it was the I have to start my career phase mixed with the why is my best friend the worst friend ever? phase, then it was the what am I doing with my life? phase which then transitioned to the why can’t I get anywhere in my career? phase.I managed to never find myself in a situation where I had to make the direct choice, except for once in my mid twenties. It was with an old crush that I briefly blogged about in “Unconsciously Celibate”. But even then my “choice” was more of a non-reaction to his putting his arm around me than a clear “no” reinforced by going to sleep on the couch. I’m not quite sure what I would have done if he had pursued it further. I might have given up the v-card that night, or perhaps let it be taken. This is where guys can get confused, especially nice guys. It’s that thin line between pushing to allow the woman to be liberated/unaccountable and making her do something she doesn’t want to do. Pursuing a woman who emphatically states “no” and leaves the room to sleep on the sofa would be crossing that line. Clearly, you weren’t ready and willing.
It’s true I tend to over self-analyze, always have, but due to often only writing when I’m harboring negative feelings, it may seem like I’m this depressed sort who constantly thinks about being alone and a virgin. In reality it’s more like an allergy that pops up every once in a while, bothers the hell out of me, then with a little nursing goes away. I tend to think just as heavily about everything else, too. It’s exhausting. But really It’s only in the past year or so that I have achieved and placated all the other bigger life concerns, that am I starting to think about sex and relationships a lot more often. As I say in the first entry, the blog is a kind of therapy or way for me to figure it all out. At this point it’s an old contradiction of mine that I’ve always wanted to have sex, but haven’t/don’t due to the various fears and distractions.
A lot of people think sex is rampant in large cities. I argue it’s easier to stay a virgin in a large city—there’s more competition and plenty of things to do besides having sex. I found lots of sex going on in small towns, and a lot of it getting kinky by the twenties, just from having little else to do. Do you think it’s easier to remain a virgin in
I think it depends on your standards. One-night stands are easy to come by from what I hear, and I wouldn’t doubt the same thing happens in a small town. But as to remaining a virgin, there are a million and one distractions in
You say you’re not approachable. Why is that? What do you do that makes you so? What can you do to make yourself approachable? Do you even want to be approachable?
My best friend and my mother both say that my body language reads like a neon ‘not interested’ sign, and when and if I ever go out to a bar or a large social gathering where there is a lot of noise and alcohol, I admit I probably wear a bit of the attitude. But in my own defense, it may have more to do with not really enjoying bars and large social, alcohol imbibing gatherings where I tend to stick to the people I know until I get bored enough to skip out. Even when not out socially, though, I think I probably still wear a look that deters. I can’t help it. This city is full of, shall we say, all kinds of people and when I do manage to drop the face, I tend to receive unwanted attention. (Case in point- a guy tried to take a picture of me with his iphone while I was finishing dinner with a friend the other night. I caught his eye when he came in only because he walked into my line of sight but never acknowledged him after that. What is that about?) So it’s an act of self-preservation, I swear! If you thought he was cute, perfect opportunity to have an excuse to go up and ask him what it was about and ask him to remove your photo.
When I traveled abroad for a few months during my mid-twenties. I was the most approachable I think I’ve ever been in my life. I met a ton of new people, I was interested in every story and excited about all the adventure I was having. I had also just come out of a long self-induced solitary, so to speak, so I was thirsting for company and as cheesy as it sounds, thrilled to be alive. There was also no pressure to be anything more to these people (and the guys who showed interest) than friends in passing to share stories with while traveling. It made being open to new people very easy. I was even able to stand the crazy guys who tried to hold my hand or wanted to escort me around their native city. Maybe part of my problem is that
I have a friend who is a virgin at 30. We became friends after I asked her out and she wasn’t interested. She since expressed some interest but I’m not interested in dating a virgin again, barring falling really hard for someone. (She’s waiting for marriage.) She has one of the most active social lives of anyone I know; always running from one place to another, and doesn’t date much. While it keeps her busy, it actually impedes her ability to develop serious relationships and thus find a hubby. Are you very active, too?
Ha! Whenever one of my friends asks if I’m free to do something I always have a smart-ass retort ready. Hold on, let me check my busy schedule (short pause); yes, it seems I’m free. I love them, though, for still never assuming I will be free. I wouldn’t say I have an incredibly active social life, but I do have one. I go out with friends and co-workers and visit other friends outside the city, but I always make sure I have time home by myself. My extremely rich, if not overly analytical internal life, demands it. I’m a writer by nature and an amateur musician, both of which I am passionate about and indulge in often. It takes up a lot of the time and energy most other people might use for socializing or dating.
You seem to be a little tightly wound—cry a lot, lots of self-examination. What do you do to relax and unwind? Hobbies, etc. (Do you play the Tuba and collect all kinds of action figures like in the 40-Year-Old Virgin?) Do you think such stereotypes of male virgins are accurate? Where do you think they come from? What are some of the stereotypes about female virgins? How do you feel about such stereotypes?
You know as much as I am always myself around other people, not many of them know just how introspective I am. I’m not sure tightly wound is the right word because it takes a lot to actually set me off (some posts may seem like highly dramatic reactions to small incidents, but truthfully, they are usually culminations of things I’ve been thinking about for a while), but I definitely don’t need anyone’s help in putting myself through the ringer emotionally. I’m a bottler. I internalize a lot of what I’m feeling, so to others it often looks like things are rolling off my back. (Except when I become aggravated and have to complain, usually in a humorous way to get it off my chest, much to the delight of my friends and coworkers. I’m the girl who always has something sarcastic to say.) Again, it does seem from my blog that I cry a lot, but tears of self-pity are quite different from tears caused by tragic news stories, movies, tv, oh and um, dreams. (Welcome to being a woman.) The last two self-pitying cries I had were over a year apart. However, in the past year there was a definite rise in wanting to cry, but I think that actually had more to do with the birth control pill I was taking (oh the irony) and my overall stress level than my actual emotions.
Since I can’t really drink, having a glass of wine at the end of the day is not on my menu of ways to decompress. Playing music or rotting my brain with tv are my usual relaxation tools, but reading and writing are also common habits. A good friend of mine commented once that the reason I love movies and tv so much is because it’s a way to escape my thoughts.
The male virgin stereotype of the geeky guy living in his parent’s basement is pretty harsh and is most likely only accurate for a very small portion of the overall population. Just like any other stereotype out there, what becomes the stereotype is the easiest and most marketable characteristic to play up. I can only guess that it stems from the fact that unlike other male virgins, who don’t live in their parents basements, they can’t hide the fact that women aren’t flocking to their parents’ door to date them. It’s a traditionally masculine characteristic to have a lot of sex, so to further separate the ‘men’ from the ‘boys,’ the men who don’t have sex must be viewed as juveniles or weak in many ways–i.e. living with parents, collecting toys…
One of the things I like about 40 year old virgin is that he is portrayed as a normal guy who just hasn’t had sex. Sure he collects toys, but in my line of work I’ve come across more men with toys than porn magazines, so that is not something that lessened his appeal in my eyes. The female virgin stereotype has had an entirely different progression. Virginity was traditionally associated with being feminine and for a very long time it was considered a positive, even coveted thing to be. Non-virgins were considered whores. As the free world knows this dichotomy still exists today. What straight man doesn’t want a virgin on the outside and a whore on the inside? C’mon… admit it.
We’ve never had it easy, I must say. But now, even though it’s more acceptable for a woman to be a virgin later in life than it is for a man, the modern stereotype still leans toward the negative. She’s a prude, a religious fanatic, mannish in appearance or worse, a victim of some kind of sex crime. Of course I’m not happy about these stereotypes but it’s not something that bothers me since I’m ok with who I am. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, but since I’m not any of those things, I don’t feel like they apply to me. I’m sure when I meet someone I’ll worry about his reaction being negative when he finds out, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I’d like to think I have better taste in men than that. Yeah, not really big on wanting a virgin. Maybe it’s because I’ve had one. It’s nice being the first, but the formed attachment isn’t the same and there’s a lot of guiding that takes place. It definitely does appeal to a number of guys, though; women, on the other hand, don’t seem interested in virgins at all. I think guys already have a difficult time finding their way around the vagina (God’s cruelest joke on both men and women), and experienced women cringe at the idea of a guy who has even less knowledge. Weird, huh?
(The 3rd part and final part of this interview goes up Thursday. Make sure to return and check out Queen V’s final answers, a few questions she has for me, and our final thoughts.)
It’s no secret that there are tons of blogs that deal with dating, relationships, sex, and celibacy. Each has its own issues on which to focus. However narrow these issues may be, they still carry all the same issues all of us face. In my never-ending quest to bring awareness to each other across the dating arena, I started interviewing other bloggers. It’s been a while but I’ve got some new interviews coming. (Previously, I interviewed Halima Sal-Anderson and Classical One on interracial dating between white guys and black women, and Leslie Talbot of Singular Existence.) Here is an interview with a virgin who started a blog back in 2006. She refers to herself as “Queen Vee” and her blog is aptly titled The Queen Virgin. She is currently 30 and not in any hurry to lose her virginity.
Thanks for participating and more than that, for writing your blog. I can tell from the comments there are a lot of other virgins that you are reaching and to whom you are providing comfort; they seem to feel better knowing you are out there, too. Do you think there are a lot more virgins out there than most of us realize? At ages we expect people to no longer be virgins? Do you think it’s harder to experience your first time the older you get or easier? Why?
Thank you for choosing me to interview! I appreciate your interest and the chance to talk in a way my one-sided blog doesn’t allow.
There are absolutely more virgins out there than we know about, of all ages that no one even suspects. Nobody shows all their cards all the time. We all have things about ourselves we don’t tell other people, especially if there’s a stigma attached to it like there is to being a virgin. Aside from that sex is a very personal thing that not everyone, those who have had it included, feels the need to openly discuss. Maybe it’s just part of my character, but even when I’m no longer a virgin I still don’t see myself telling people the details, you know? You’d make a horrible guy… (Actually, the women who do discuss sex get far more graphic than the men who discuss it.)
I’m pretty sure it’s not easy no matter what age you first experience sex, but there are so many different elements affecting it, it’s hard to say when it’s easier. It’s more culturally acceptable to experiment with sex as a teenager, which makes it harder to first experience as an adult, but I know so much more about myself, my body and who I am now that I think it will be easier and probably more enjoyable when I finally have the opportunity. As for that opportunity…I’m pretty sure that if I really wanted to just lose my virginity I could go out now, just as I could have in college, and eventually hook up with a random guy. But I’m not interested in just the pleasure part. I can handle that myself (and yes I know it’s a different experience with someone but I don’t know what I’m missing so I have no complaints). I want to actually know and like the person I’m sleeping with, which probably makes me a romantic, and that’s the hard part. Not that it was ever easy for me, but letting a man into my life as an adult is more difficult than it was when I was younger.
Your situation is similar to the one I used to have. You’re not just a virgin, you are also lacking in dating experience. You haven’t dated many people and in fact have had only a handful of dates; you don’t approach guys or get approached much. Some of your entries indicate that you think women should approach men they want to meet while others indicate a guy would really have to work hard and be persistent to date you. For me, my catalysts were frustration and unhappiness. I became so frustrated that I sucked at talking to women—worse than anyone in the history of mankind, believe me—that I forced myself to make changes, to ask out a woman I found attractive, and so forth. What do you think your catalyst(s) will be? You have backed down on asking out at least one guy you liked (and I’m guessing more); what would a guy have to be to get you to follow your own ideology and ask him out? What would a guy have to do to be persistent to date you? How do you imagine these two things going to be successful?
Rationality does not exist in my imagination. That’s why it’s always successful and so much fun to live there. Ok, ok; here’s what it comes down to: It’s a chemical thing and I obviously lack the right ones. I have felt an attraction for a very few number of men and it’s something that has kept the psychologist in me at work. Is it because I really do lack a certain biochemistry or does my head do all the thwarting with too much thought? Since college there have been a few guys that I was attracted to, and I think I gave some obvious signals, but I’m still not brave enough to do the asking. I say women should just ask out guys they like, especially in cases like mine where attraction on the woman’s part happens so infrequently, and yet I have no justification for why I haven’t. It’s indefensible. What I can say is I possess a massive guilt complex that rears its head when I think about ending up not liking the guy after I’ve asked him out and then feeling horrible for not giving him another chance. I told you I was good friends with irrationality. Hmm. That’s an interesting point; I never would have thought of that—not asking out someone because of guilt about not liking them as much as you thought. I suppose it’s putting the carriage before the horse, which we all do at one time or another; very interesting.
On the other hand, if a guy really wants to date me and I’m not interested, if he was persistent in a non-aggressive way, I think I’d eventually say yes…unless I was absolutely un-attracted to him. I’m not saying it would be a test but I do think it would be an affirmation for me of his genuine interest. Or at least that he was somewhat of a romantic like me, so that alone would encourage me to give him a chance. I in no way blame the very few guys who have tried and gave up after only asking once. My ‘no’ signal is pretty clear I have no doubt. Am I frustrating you as much as I am myself? Well, yes and no. What frustrates me, and I harp about this a lot in the book and my columns, is that when women gauge a guy’s interest by how persistent he is, you are actually not gauging his interest; you are gauging his spinelessness. A guy with no other options and low self-esteem will persist. So you think you’ve landed a romantic fish and in reality you’ve landed a guy with a self image issue, which later creates all kinds of problems. In the end, it makes asking women out harder for all guys. I get the reasoning and it sounds great on paper but in reality, the guy’s actions have nothing to do with romance or how much he likes you. Guys know this because we see it from the other vantage point and some of these guys are our friends. (We want to bitch slap them a lot.)
My catalyst? The perfect man. You know, the intelligent, funny, attractive, charming guy who is totally himself and not trying to impress me or anyone else in the room with his many accomplishments, and yet does… and of course stirs an attraction in me, which is where the chemistry thing comes in and causes a problem. I’ve met guys I’m impressed with but am not attracted to and one or two I’m attracted to but lost interest in after talking with. Yes, I’m picky. I’m a virgin at 30, it’s not surprising. I admit I’m bad at flirting and usually feel awkward around people I don’t know, but I am also aware that a lot of that is in my head. I don’t have an actual problem meeting and talking to new people and even enjoy getting to know them when there’s no pressure involved, it’s just that the desire to be social ebbs as I get older. It’s hard to motivate when most of the time I’d rather be home. Being picky is good. I’m picky, too. It’s a sign that you know yourself and what you want… and that’s a good thing. Yup, some people lose all their appeal as soon as they open their mouth…
I’d like to believe, though, that my age and life experiences have altered my list of priorities. For the first part of my life being in a relationship was waaaaaay down on the list of things to do. Now I pretty much have everything I want except the relationship and I think it has become #1 by default. This in itself is a big step for me, because it’s the first time I’ve ever really wanted it. I used to say I wanted it because it was what was expected of me, but now companionship, love and sex are things I truly desire. I never wanted to share my life with someone before, and I have come to realize it is a feeling of vulnerability I managed to avoid all these years. It’s hard to open up when I’ve been closed in for so long. Here’s hoping the payoff will be tenfold.
You express nervousness about your first time; that it will be awkward simply because your lack of experience. The first time I had sex, I imagined so much how it would be, it actually turned out to be great and, much to my surprise, I wasn’t nervous at all. I always imagined taking my time and examining every part of her body with my eyes, my fingers, my hands, my kisses, and my tongue, after slowly undressing her. I had plenty of years to play it out in my mind. She commented, “Oh my God, Ian, I’ve been married and had some serious boyfriends and no one’s ever given me this kind of attention. It’s so amazing.” Obviously, this gave me a huge shot of confidence. Do you imagine how it will play out, too? How so? If not, when you think about sex, what do you think about?
Yes! I imagine how it will be all the time. Just hearing your experience has made me a little hot under the collar. It’s all about exploration for me too. Seeing, touching, tasting; I want the whole nine yards—both to explore and be explored. I think what I’m most looking forward to is feeling comfortable enough with someone that all this will happen naturally. I can only pray he will be into taking his time.
I firmly believe that dating should be taught as part of sex ed (when you go through the info again in high school, not elementary). Instead of just providing you with the mechanics, you would be provided with some basic info on how to interact with the opposite sex—read them a little, ask them out, and communicate. It is this lack of inclusion which creates more people on the extreme edges of the spectrum—you and me who are uncomfortable around the opposite sex, and other virgins out of elements such as fear, lack of knowledge, self-doubt, and other people who just jump into sex, surprisingly due to many of the same elements. Your thoughts?
I’m not sure how I would have responded to being taught about dating in high school. (But in my case I don’t think it would have changed anything about my high school experience. It has more to do with the way I was raised rather than my actual ability to interact with boys. I was never told sex was bad or even that I shouldn’t do it, but I was told very early on about all the dangers, read infections, you can get that mess you up later in life if you start having it at a young age. Immediately following that I learned my mother’s mantra ‘boys only want one thing’ so I just avoided it all together by avoiding them. I also wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16, whereas many of my friends were dating earlier.) Depending on who’s teaching it, it has the potential to become a huge joke or possibly worse, perpetuate gender stereotypes. But then again, to break stereotypes people need to be educated. So I agree, sex ed needs to be expanded to include the social, emotional and the technical aspects of the experience. And it needs to be said that everything is mutable—how you interact with each other at 16 is quite different from how you interact at 30. At least… I would hope.
(Part 2 of this 3-part interview to be posted on Monday)
My first interview in a while will be posted here this Thursday and I’m excited about it. It’s with an anonymous, 30-year-old virgin who writes a popular blog and lives in New York. I also have interviews coming up of other dating/relationship bloggers, as well as one with one of the most popular male dating advisors on the web. Stay tuned!
God is a Woman
