Lunch is Not a Date

I’m proud to announce that ”Lunch is Not a Date” has officially moved to The Bachelor Guy, a great site for guys. Also, I now write a column for Double Viking called “Wingman.” Both columns debuted yesterday; check ‘em out! (Scroll down on their home pages to find the columns.)

Like I said, this will still be here but will be turned into an interview column. I currently have questions out to two dating bloggers, with more coming! 

All right, I realize I have been delinquent in my posting duties… but with good reason. I have been negotiating to move the column to a new home. It debuts this week, on Thursday, if all goes without a hitch. I’ll post the link here. Don’t fret; the column here will become a Q&A with other columnists, bloggers, authors, and experts. Have a good one and stay tuned… 

It’s no big secret that I think most of the advice about women on the Internet is useless crap–and I’m right. In fact, next week I’ll put up a top-list of my favorite pieces of stupid, pointless advice that will hurt you with women, not help you. This is because most of the guys giving advice to “score any hot woman you want” are extremely bitter toward women. They’re far more concerned with appearing cool to you than giving useful advice.

One of my favorite pet peeves (that’s called an oxymoron–woo hoo, I’m a real writer now) isn’t a piece of advice; rather, it is an idea. It’s the notion that real men don’t have women friends; a woman is for fucking, dating long enough to cheat on with all her friends, and that’s about it, barring the occasional late-night booty call when nothing else is around to screw. Many Internet advisors even warn you that you should stop your pretty girlfriend from having guy friends; they all just want to nail her. (This is called projection–hey, now I’m a professional shrink, too. It simply means that because they see women as nothing but screw toys, all other men do, too.) In short, these guys are idiots and if you don’t have women friends, you’re an idiot, too.

I have more female friends than male. In fact, the numbers aren’t even close; by far, I have more women friends. Tonight I’m taking one to see Blue Man Group with some free passes I got from my editor. I’m not friends with these women because I have ulterior motives of any sort; but, I get lots of perks, just the same:

1) I’m inside a lot of their conversations, so I get to hear what they think and why. This constantly adds to my knowledge and success when it comes to dating and relationships.

2) I flirt with them a lot. This keeps my flirting and innuendo skills honed and sharp.

3) They draw other women to me.

When you’re out at the bar, who meets more women? You with your guy friends or the guy hanging out with his female friends? Exactly. Last Spring, I had a bunch of women who wanted to play volleyball but not enough guys to fill a roster. So, I put a team together of six women and myself. We signed up for a coed league. It’s five women and me on the court at all times (incidentally, we finished first out of fifteen teams). Do you have any idea how easy it is for me to meet women on other teams, especially since the women on my own are quite attractive? The team situation is intriguing to them, in turn making me intriguing. When I’m interested in a woman on another team, I flirt and joke with her from across the net as we play. After the match, I simply ask her out. I’ve hardly spoken to her but she knows a lot about me already: I play a sport she plays (we have that in common), women like me (I’m the only guy on the team and she doesn’t know whether I put the team together or if the women asked me to play), and I’m bold and fun (from flirting and joking around during the match). Why not go out with me?

This past summer, I was sitting in a beer garden, having a drink with a pretty blonde friend. A woman sitting several tables away caught my eye. She was stunning and her body could only be described as “curvolicious.” Her roller-blades rested against her chair. I had to meet her; however, she was wedged between four other women and a guy. As we got ready to go, I wrote my email on a napkin (a clean one, in case you’re stupid), but my printing is pretty bad, so my friend actually re-wrote it for me. I walked over to the woman’s table, interrupted the conversation, and simply told her, “I’ve been sitting over there with my friend, wanting to come over here and meet you, but I didn’t want to leave my friend alone. You roller-blade, I take it?”

“Yes.”

“Play any sports?”

“Tennis.”

“Really? Tennis? I would definitely like to talk to you more. I love tennis; it’s a great workout. Here’s my email, if you want to get in touch. I’m Ian, by the way.”

She took my email and to my surprise replied, “You got guts. Guts will get you everywhere.”

And they did… get me everywhere… and back, a couple times. Truthfully, had I been out with a guy, it never would have worked. Being with a pretty woman was key to getting her to contact me without us exchanging more than a few words. I can go on endlessly with similar stories.

So you go ahead, most of you Internet dating ”experts” and don’t have women friends. I envy your coolness, your suave attitude, and have to admit, yes, you are quite the player and stud. Me? Well, I prefer to keep getting everywhere… and back, a couple times.      

Prostetution is illegal. Porn is not. So, if you’re cruising for a hooker, just carry a waiver to shoot a film on ya. If a cop stops you, you will just soliciting for a film. If you get caught back in the hotel room, you forgot to have her sign the waiver… and to take the lens cap off the camcorder. Your bad. Really, people, if you can’t think of this stuff, how badly do you really want to get laid?

That’s what I want you to to do this week. Communicate. It’s that simple. Next week I’ll share a story from the book that has taken a twist since publication to demonstrate the importance of communication. Focus on communicating this week. Trust me. Communication is what separates us from the animals, yet we fail to do it often, which is the #1 reason why the world and relationships are so fucked up!

If it’s a first date and you like the guy, no. What? Why not? Feminists everywhere are seething with anger, wanting to punch me in the face, pull my hair, and scratch my eyes out… wait, that would be like chick-fighting and they’re feminists, so they’d probably just stick with punching me in the face.

On the first couple dates, we all try to gauge our date’s level of interest by watching for certain behavior. In a guy’s mind, if a woman offers to pay on a first date, she is not interested; in fact, it may not even be a date! The harder she insists she pay her own way, the less interested she is, as far as we’re concerned. So, if you like a guy, make the gesture but don’t push it. If you really like him a lot, don’t make the gesture at all; you’ll boost his confidence greatly because he’ll feel very sure he is on a “date date” (I know your lingo!) and that will help him relax and make the date more fun for both of you.

I don’t care what you think, ladies. It’s not about you. It’s about us. It’s about dating. It’s about you being successful in dating and finding the relationship you want. You’re here most likely because you’re not happy with your dating life, which means you have to make changes. If you insist on paying your part on a first date, that is a change you need to make. Many women in big cities complain to me guys don’t call them back after a first date and wonder why. After probing some, I find that most of these women insist on paying their part. The result? The guy gauges them as having less interest than other women he’s been out with who don’t insist on paying their own way. So, with limited schedules, time, and wanting to date someone, these guys focus their attention on the women who they believe–wrongly or correctly–have more interest in them. Wouldn’t you?

Now, now, don’t worry; there’s an easy way out of the predicament and to prove you are really interested in the guy… pay the entire bill on the second date. When a woman offers to pay on the second date, she demonstrates a high level of interest and that she is looking for equality in a relationship; she will be a partner, not a subordinate. Good guys looking for good women look for this and guage interest highly when a woman pays on the second date.

In otherwords, feminists, just be patient and wait your turn. The second date is your turn. It’s not hard, just relax and enjoy the date. If there is no second date, his loss; you don’t need to mail him a check for $67.82 to cover your dinner…