We spend a lot of time focusing on trying to meet and date the right person, often overlooking the one relationship that, outside our family, is our most important and constant–our friends.
I rant on the importance of friends in regard to a healthy dating life in God, so I won’t get into it again here but I will say that most of us take friendship for granted. When I toured as a comedian, dating was impossible. Well, maintaining friendships was nearly as difficult. Sure, I stayed in touch with the friends I had but I started comedy at 18. I had little to no ability to make new friends outside comedians–who I wouldn’t see again for possibly years and once we worked the same slot–headliner–I wouldn’t see them again, ever, save a few nights off or working different clubs in the same town.
This is pretty tough for a people-person like me, especially realizing that you make some of your most important adult friends when you just get out of college through your mid-twenties. Not me; I toured through those years. That’s not to say I didn’t meet a lot of people; I met plenty, all outgoing and loads of fun (typically, only the most outgoing, confident audience members approach the comedian). While I met only a handful of women on the road where we both fell hard for each other and would have liked to have had the chance to date, I met a ton of people with whom I would have been friends, had I been able to stick around. Performing is weird; you go from being the most popular person in the room, the life of the party for a week, make tons of week-long friends, then jump in a car and drive away in total silence, leaving it all behind, only to start the process all over again in a few days. If you get really big, it gets worse–scratch the week-long friends. I learned that from Billy Joel when he stated it best as “You go from being the most popular guy in the room to being all alone in a deftly quiet limo.” Worse, the bigger you get, the less you can trust your friends. Are they really your friends? Do they really like you? Or do they just want something from you? Jamie Foxx told Barbara Walters in an interview after winning an Oscar that he was “Very wary of anyone who wanted to be his friend or date him.” Still think it would be great to be famous?
I’ve had a bit of a rough patch lately with some personal family crap and the friends I’ve made since leaving the road have been a crucial support system–whether they be close or mild acquaintances–offering some great advice, keeping me busy playing sports, getting out, and so forth. I try not take any of them for granted but who am I kidding? I do. We all do. So this week’s column is in recognition of friends. I’ve had a few people email me they have a tough time making friends and asking me for suggestions, as I suggest a healthy diet of friends for a healthy dating life.
I’ll give you those suggestions in next week’s column; for now, appreciate your friends. Far too often I see friendships ruined over misunderstandings, poor judgement, a heated moment, mutual interest in a member of the opposite sex, and so forth. Communicate with your friends, close and distant, and trust them until they prove themselves untrustworthy, then cut them from your life. I once caught a guy making up lies about other friends to me and I simply told him, “You make up stories and lies, I can’t be your friend anymore.” Period. Everyone else, you should be able to patch things up with. When I see friendships fall apart, ninety percent of the time it is due to lack of communication. I’ve seen friends pit friends against each other because they are wary of the other friends building a stronger friendship than their own (which is exactly why that former friend was making up lies). Frankly, it’s all ridiculous.
When I toured, I was jealous of people who were able to see their friends often, just as I was jealous of guys who were able to date the woman I liked in their town but who where too chicken to ask her out. (The grass is always greener is a saying for a reason and, as you readers of God know, the primary cause of my distain for the guy who masks his interest in a woman with friendship.) So, I am always building new friendships and working to maintain current ones. My real weakness is building close friendships. While it seems like I am an open book, I’m actually much more closed than anyone else. What I share is easy to share and comes naturally; it is far easier for me to share with a large group than one-on-one, which is opposite most people. Weird, huh? That’s just me. Guess who accepts it. Yup, my friends.
I’m fortunate because I went for a long time without friendship (read Steve Martin’s Born Standing Up; he does a good job of capturing the loneliness and lack of friendship in standup), so I realize its value and rarely have misunderstandings or disagreements with friends because I’m very communicative and honest. It’s not that hard. I wish I could say this attitude came from myself but I stole it from an amazing guy I had the honor of meeting. I learned from him I can forgive anyone almost anything.
I was in Colorado Springs, CO, and I had to stop off at Midas to get muffler replaced–I had to, people living as far away as Denver were complaining about the noise. I sat down and this elderly black man started to immediately talk to me. He wore a nice suit in the heat of July and was obviously anxious to talk to anyone who would listen. I was wearing sweats and a ragged shirt–my driving-from-one-gig-to-another day attire. The manager warned him to leave me alone but I waved him off; what the hell else was I going to do while waiting? Besides, I had learned seniors have lots of wisdom to share if you just shut up and listen. (Get me talking to a senior and it’s one of the few times I’m quiet, listening.) While everyone who entered scowled at our odd pairing–a twenty-two-year-old homeless-looking kid chatting with a well-dressed elderly gentleman–I had a blast. The guy was fascinating. He was 87 and the only black Sergeant Major in WWII (he showed me a newspaper article clipping he kept in his jacket pocket, proving it). (Sergeant Major is the highest rank an enlisted soldier can earn and it is very well-respected by everyone in the military, including far superior officers.) He saw a lot of his friends die in the war, with whom he had unresolved conflicts that he soon after considered stupid and pointless. He returned home to find a lot of his friends had died while he was gone (disease, etc); those who hadn’t, had moved on and he couldn’t track them down. He was, for all practical purposes, friendless. Worse, his best friend–his brother, and wife had hooked up while he was gone. So, now that he was home, she divorced him and married his brother. He went into a shell for years, making few friends and just going through the motions of living. After his ex-wife died, he finally forgave his brother and spoke to him again, just a few months before he died, too. The Sergeant Major’s regrets were many: “I didn’t forgive my wife. I didn’t move on. I didn’t make new friends because I became afraid of being hurt by them and losing them, too.” Now he was 87. The few friends he had made over the last several years of his life had all died and once again he was feeling friendless and lonely. So, he spent everyday sitting in Midas, talking with anyone who would listen.
If the Sergeant Major could forgive his brother for having an affair with his wife while he was away fighting in WWII, then I could forgive my friends of pretty much anything, save malicious, repeated lying. (Some people just don’t want to be happy and they take misery-loves-company to a whole new level; I avoid them as soon as I recognize the trait.) You can’t meet this Sergeant Major and be his friend as I had the good fortune to be for three short hours but you can heed the advice he gave me. “Make lots of friends, with anyone who is willing. And keep them, always. Friendship is how we make each other happy and I learned that far too late in life. Even if you don’t think you have something to offer a friend, you do. Find out what that is and embrace it. I’m a Sergeant Major and those are my orders.” Who they hell am I to argue… or you?
(For those seeking advice on making friends, think about these two questions in preparation for next week’s column: What is the best thing you have to offer? In my case, for example, it’s not actually my friendship that people gain the most from having. Remember, I’m actually pretty closed and truthfully, have little in common with a lot of people I know–I have a very different type of job and personality. Rather, it is the broad spectrum of people I know that gives me the most to offer. Many times people I’ve introduced to groups or other friends have become far closer to those groups and friends than they have to me and than I am to those friends and groups. Also, what is it you seek in your friendships? Again, I’ll share my own. For me, right now, it’s proximity. I’m looking for more friends in my neighborhood because my schedule is so crazy, it’s ideal to be able to call someone up and go grab a beer or flip a Frisbee at the park; doing that with people outside the hood requires planning and coordination. Ugh! I just don’t have that kind of time right now. So, ask yourself these questions; they will help a lot with next week’s column.)
BTW, I get like two dozen emails weekly after each column. A lot of you share lots of personal stuff and I get that you don’t want it to be public knowledge but feel free to post it under “comments,” anonymously. Many of you are sending the same emails and could get some good dialogue going if you just shared them. It’s also easier for me to answer them in a group, instead of individually. Of course, you are still more than welcome to send me emails directly, if you prefer.
