Lunch is Not a Date

I am currently talking with a popular women’s magazine about doing something with my top-50 list idea for their FOB (”front of book”) section, which led me to a list of women’s mags. I play beach vball on Wed nights w/a team of all women. They spend a great deal of time scoping out other girls on the beach and complaining about their bodies. If they see too many tight hotties, they decide not to eat or drink after the match. Eventually the conversation blames men for them not being able to eat and so forth. Really? I never said a word. I never pointed out any other women on the beach.

You will never see men scope out other men at the beach. We scope out women. You will never see men buy a magazine that has a man on the front instead of a half-naked women, an athlete, or a car. Women do all these things. So who puts all that pressure on you, ladies? You or us? Here is a quick link to a list of the top-20 mags for women. Notice the pictures on the covers: 

http://www.allyoucanread.com/Top20/index.asp?idCat=20

Now a link to a list of the top-20 mags for men:

http://www.allyoucanread.com/Top20/index.asp?idCat=13

Notice any similarities? Both sets of mags feature scantily clad women on the front covers. In fact, the ones on the women’s mags are often even more scantily clad, revealing, and frankly–from a guy’s POV–sexually more appealing.

So again, who puts the pressure on you? Us or you? Come, you know who it really is; quit blaming us.

I was recognized the other night (a rarity). A woman came over to my table while I was on a date and complimented me on my book and advice. She told my date, “It must be very refreshing to be out with a guy who never makes a mistake and has all the answers.”

Huh? Experts don’t have all the answers; experts continually search for the answers and share the knowledge they gather on their journey. It’s easiest to see in scientists such as Einstein and Newton–always searching for answers and changing equations and hypotheses as they learned more about science. While it’s true I haven’t made any big mistakes in years, I did make one just within the last month.

In February I met a pretty woman at a friend’s birthday party at a bar. She mentioned she was looking for more competitive volleyball so I got her email and told her I’d let her know when I needed a sub (I play three nights a week and constantly need female subs). I didn’t talk to her much but when I needed a sub two days later, I sent her an email. She subbed but I missed the match because I took a date to the Blackhawks’ game. The scouting report on her (we’ll call her “Sheree”) was that she was good and very personable; I should pick her up full-time when a spot opened. I am always somewhat skeptical of scouting reports because guys will often give a pretty woman rave reviews because they want her on the team so they can hit on her; no doubt Sheree has experienced this and is wary. (From a team captain’s perspective, people dating on a team is a pain in the ass! Fights show up on the court, one refuses to play or set the other or some dumbass thing. Sadly, most people aren’t mature enough to make it work. I always tell guys who ask about a woman, “Remember, if it doesn’t work out, you’re far more replaceable than she.”) I became curious to see her play myself before inviting her to join full-time and invited her to sub a few times a week for like two months straight. Of course, we chatted back and forth a little in our emails–”What are you up to this wknd?” “My father is sick,” “How was your wknd?” and so forth. I threw in some harmless flirting (can’t help myself) and we got to know each other a little. I threw a few invites to get some food during the week her way to help keep in touch but she was always on the road for work. (Of course, I couldn’t very well tell her I wanted her to sub in particular because I wanted to see if she was any good!)

Finally, she was able to sub again and I got to see her play. She was a good player and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone have more fun playing volleyball or met anyone who was easier to get along with on the court. She never got frustrated or irritated. Yup, she would be a great addition to any team. That night I asked her where she lived because I had a feeling she lived in a zone for which I wanted parking passes (in Chicago, many neighborhoods are zoned and you can’t park without the proper parking pass; residents in that hood can get daily parking passes and I live right on the border of two zones, so I like to get daily passes from zone residents so I can park as needed). I also asked for one of her friend’s last name, as I have plenty of “Jen’s” in my cell and needed to start putting in last names to know who the hell was who.

The team hit the bar, where Sheree was just as personable as she was on the court. For the first time, I found myself kind of interested in her; however, I was jabbering with my buddy Mike and didn’t really give it too much thought. As she was taking off, though, I did ask if I could give her a call, just in case. “Sure.”

Now came one of the most hated dilemmas in the dating world for guys–you haven’t talked to someone enough to gauge your level of interest and you don’t feel like you’ve had quite enough conversation to ask her out, even if you did. If you snooze, you lose–suppose you don’t see the woman for another four months and then find out you are interested, only to learn she is now dating someone? (Sheree is pretty and personable; not the kind of woman to stay single for long.) It’s one of the few situations I detest. Also, because I wanted Sheree for future volleyball teams, if I was interested I wanted to ask her out before she joined a team, not after; I didn’t want her to think I put her on the team with ulterior motives in mind. I figured I wouldn’t worry about it. If I didn’t see her over the next few weeks, I’d invite her to a simple dinner on a weeknight or something innocent that popped up. End of story.

As luck had it (or possibly misfortune), I got a voucher for two to a musical (free passes from my editor). I invited Sheree, never stopping to think she might see that as a big date. (I never use a voucher, offered to me all the time, for a first date; it’s tacky! What woman wants to think a guy thinks so little of her that he doesn’t want to spend any money on her for a first date? I only use one for friends or innocent engagements. It never occurred to me that Sheree might not have the same reasoning.)

Sheree declined but thanked me. Suddenly all emails stopped and she didn’t reply to any of my offers to sub. (Until then she had always promptly responded.) Uh oh… Even when I emailed her that a woman we had chatted about who was like a second mother to me died, she didn’t reply. Not so much as an “I’m sorry.” (It actually pissed me off for a little while; that’s pretty cold.) That seemed very out of character for her. I thought about it and realized from her perspective things looked weird. I asked her to sub all the time, I asked where she lived (then the conversation took a different direction and I forgot to mention the parking passes), and I asked for her friend’s last name (was I trying to find out where she lived, too?). Then I invite her to a musical the first chance I get after only the second time I met her. Um… yeah, I look like a creep who had ulterior motives all along, which she’s probably experienced previously. Suddenly, every email I sent, every call, every question, was merely an insincere excuse to have contact with her. As soon as I saw it from her POV, I shot her a short email joking about it, clearing it up, and inviting her to sub. (Typically, when I have miscommunications, I just point ‘em out and usually they resolve.) Unfortunately, she still didn’t reply and so it probably served only to make matters worse.

Okay, as an expert, what do I do next? Nothing. I’m totally screwed. Any email I send her will be interpreted as an excuse to talk to her and stalkerish; however, if I stop communicating with her, it is proof that I was only interested in her all along because as soon as she declined the musical I stopped emailing and calling. Even if I email her to get the parking passes, it’s an elaborate ploy to connect. So, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. All I can do is hope she sees me in volleyball circles on the beach over the summer, where she notices I’m having a lot of fun and socialize and play with a lot of women. (Hell, I even have several teams on which I’m the only guy!) Over time, along with a few friendly brief conversations on the beach, she’ll hopefully realize I’m not some sort of goofy, insincere creep-of-a-guy who just screwed up by showing his cards too soon. Actually, the entire incident will give me more insight into her personality–is she understanding? Does she take a moment to see the situation from the other side’s POV, as I did? I’m guessing “yes” to both of those, since I’ve already run into her a few times on the beach. She’s been friendly and social, although I could see she was a little hesitant and skeptical (probably a little afraid I was going to recite a sonnet I wrote for her or sing or something, revealing the love I’ve had for her since we met! Ah… no). It’s a little uncomfortable (actually sucky) for me because I can’t be my typical flirtatious and outgoing self.

So, if this happens to you, that’s my advice: sit and wait. Let the woman see you as your normal self and you’ll resolve any misunderstandings. Do not continue to send emails or call, trying to fix things–you’ll just look more and more stalkerish and she probably won’t even read the emails or listen to the voicemails. Do not ask mutual friends to put in a word for you–you just look non-confident (if they speak up on your behalf on their own, that’s fine; you just don’t want them to say, “Ian asked me to…”). I’m not saying it will be easy; it won’t. No one knows that more than me. I’m extremely tenacious (you have to be to get a book out, be one of the most sought comedians of your day, etc), so when I anticipate or see a problem, I want to fix it immediately. Remember, though, your actions will be met with a lot of mistrust by many women.

I must admit, it’s pretty sad for me to make such a basic oversight. I am usually very good about considering POV because I had to as a comedian in order to have some kind of normalcy in my life. (Most entertainers–musicians, comedians, actors, whatever–who start young in the biz never find normalcy in their lives; enter eating disorders, alcohol, and drugs. At most, you’re only on stage for a few hours a night. Without normalcy, how do you fill the rest of that time? For guys, you turn to drugs, aclohol, and empty sex; I wanted to avoid those pitfalls.) It’s the little things that provide normalcy, so I focused on them. I had to consider POV to be effective. My biggest challenges were birthdays, Valentine’s Days, and Christmases. I made sure I had a date for every V-day and my birthdays. Those are typically big deals for dates. They become amplified when it’s going to be your only date, you know? So I had to learn to work with women to get them to realize that they were just ordinary days and all was cool. I didn’t want them latching onto me and didn’t want them to think the date was something serious for me. Around Christmas, I like to hit A Christmas Carol at The Goodman Theater in Chi-Town. However, that’s a huge first date for a lot of women but when you’re only in town for three days and you want to see the show, see a woman you met, and see your family and friends, it’s not like you have time to have a date and see the show separately. I found success only by considering POV. Once you realize someone’s POV, you can usually squash it as being built upon nothing. For example, a date would think hitting The Goodman was a big first date loaded with pressure because of the price of tickets. So, I invited my date with a simple, “I hate to be cheap but let’s hit The Goodman for Christmas Carol.”

“That’s not cheap! Those tickets are expensive.”

“Naw, that’s only in your head. It’s like $100 to go; if we go to dinner and have wine, I can easily drop over $200. So, I’m being cheap and I apologize.”

That’s all it took for a woman to see the misconception about hitting a nice theater for a first date. So, you can imagine how stupid I must have felt when I realized my oversight with Sheree.

I’ve become good friends with women who I’ve had such miscommunications with and even dated some. Only once the issue wasn’t resolved and that was because the woman was immature, not understanding, and completely self-absorbed. In her case, I dodged a bullet; she’s not someone who would make a good friend or anything else. In any case, if you take the prescribed route, it will turn out for the better… although it may not seem like it right away.

I think my next book will be a list of things you didn’t know about the average guy and I already begun pitching it. Here is the excerpt I am using to pitch:

(sorry for the format; I pasted it from Word and the CSS w/Wordpress is a pain in the ass; why must developers always try to anticipate all our needs instead of just letting us choose? Talk about annoying!) 

15 & 16 – Know Your Audience 15) If you don’t want us to stare at your breasts, stop wearing shirts three sizes too small or having your twins pop up half-way out of your top or dress… on second thought, don’t stop doing that; we won’t stare anymore, I promise. 16) There are only seven colors—blue, red, brown, green, purple, orange, and yellow (in order of importance). Describing something as canary, burgundy, fuchsia (I had to have a woman spell it), or chestnut is the equivalent of a dork describing to you what the Romulans did to the Klingons (I had to have a dork spell it) on planet K-9 in episode 14 of Star Trek, season 2. We don’t grimace, though, because while

you babble about colors that don’t exist, it provides us with the perfect opportunity to stare mindlessly at your breasts.

 There’s an old, very important adage in standup comedy—“Know your audience.” This astute advice is true for all areas of life. Ever been to a 10:30PM showing of a horror flick and right before the movie starts, some stupid couple walks in with their two-year-old kid? Clearly, they have failed to recognize their audience. A horror show is completely inappropriate for a toddler and nobody else at the theater wants one crying throughout the film, making it impossible for them to focus on the movie. Failing to “know your audience” is a big problem in the dating and relationship arena. Guys take a lot of heat for not knowing their audience but truthfully, women fail to be aware of their audience on an even larger scale.
          A few years ago, I was on a date with a pretty blonde (we’ll call her Shelly). We went to a bar to watch a team of her volleyball students play a match on an indoor sand pit. As luck had it, the bar was showing some annual, big World Wide Wrestling event. We could not find a table anywhere, as the bar was packed with skinny geeks like a can of sardines. (Who knew skinny geeks followed wrestling? I thought they spent all their time at home, trying to build beautiful robotic women.) Of course, Shelly caught the leer of every guy in the joint. The geekiest geek in the room sat at a table by himself. Upon seeing a slender blonde standing around with nowhere to sit, he managed to squeak out (literally) an invite for Shelly to grab a seat at his table. We thanked him and sat down. After he worked up enough courage, he started to ask Shelly questions. “Do you like wrestling?”          “No.”
          “Oh… why not?”
          “It just doesn’t interest me at all.”
          “Oh.”
          The geek then spent the next forty minutes explaining to Shelly who all the wrestlers were, recited their bios, and regurgitated a bunch of descriptive wrestling injuries (at which point she nearly regurgitated her lunch). What was his problem? He was nervous, which caused him to fallback on a topic he knew very well in order to engage in conversation. Unfortunately, in so doing, he completely ignored his audience: Shelly told him she had no interest in wrestling. He never should have brought it up again, let alone go into a forty-minute rant about the topic!
          Believe it or not, women do the exact same thing when it comes to guys: You often forget your audience. Why isn’t it as apparent? Look above—“We don’t grimace, though, because while you babble about colors that don’t exist, it provides us with the perfect opportunity to stare mindlessly at your breasts.”
          When we men forget our audience, we suffer immediately. We don’t get a date, get the woman’s number, a goodnight kiss, get a second date, or get laid. You women have a much lower threshold for listening to things you don’t care about and won’t tolerate it. You’ll shoo men away or head to the restroom with your friends, choosing to reconvene in a completely different area of the bar when you return. Even if you are dating or married to someone, you are far less tolerant of his opinion than he is of yours. Disagree? Who has the final say over wallpaper or paint color? Furniture? Ever throw out some of his old clothes in disgust? Has he ever dared to toss any of your outfits that he doesn’t like?
          When you women forget your audience, you don’t suffer immediately, so your oversight is not immediately apparent. Unfortunately, this sets you up for greater pain and suffering, often delivered as a blindsiding blow. Why do we tolerate it when you forget we’re your audience? It’s not just the hope of seeing you naked (which admittedly plays a big role); it’s the realization that you are often too busy imagining who you want us to be instead of being sensitive to who we actually are. It’s a trait of women that boyfriends and husbands learn to accept.
          When you start to pay attention to your audience, you will quickly realize that you have become much more apt at distinguishing the bad apples from the good. For example, have you ever met a guy and he asks you some questions about yourself? You tell him what your hobbies are and he starts taking on the same hobbies? I had a friend do this very thing with a woman he met at his gym. She told him which yoga, pilates, and spinning classes she took. She also shared with him the times and days she swam laps. He joined all the same classes and started swimming laps at the same times. They started to date and once they were an item, he immediately dropped all those activities. She went around complaining, “He changed.” (Sound familiar?)  
          Remember your audience and think about my friend as a guy. A guy in a pilates class? Spinning and yoga? Highly suspicious. What’s even more suspect—by far—is the fact that he didn’t join one of these classes until after he learned she was in them. He also didn’t join just one; he joined them all. When a guy does this kind of thing, you have to ask yourself “why?” He wants to see you and size you up, so he knows when it’s best to make his move. He wants to keep other guys at the gym from making a move on you (referred to among men as “cock blocking”). By failing to recognize her audience, the girl at the gym began to fall for my friend. She thought it was endearing that he joined the same classes. She thought they had a lot in common. Of course, after a few months of dating, he ended it and she was left very hurt. 
          If your audience is going to a show he doesn’t want to see, such as joining a pilates class or hanging out with you at a gay bar you like to frequent, he is feigning interest. He is a bad apple with some serious lack-of-confidence issues. He’s also suffocating. If your audience passes on pilates or the gay bar, but wants to meet up with you afterward for a drink, he is a good apple. He is interested but not a faker. He is confident. He’s not worried about having to cock block. You’ll realize that a good audience member doesn’t become interested in your particular show until after you start to date. This is because as he dates you, he becomes interested in knowing more about you and wants to share more with you. So, he will hit a pilates class once in a while or swim with you. (The gay bar-thing will probably never happen.) 
          Be warned: recognizing your audience will shock you. You will do a 180 when it comes to reading men. You’ll quickly learn that the ones you thought were good apples are bad, and the ones you thought were creeps are actually good apples. Back when I prowled for women, I would occasionally meet one who didn’t share a single interest with me; but, for whatever reason, I wanted her badly. I literally would say something like, “I have to tell you, I really don’t care what you’re talking about; I just really want to do this—“ then I would kiss her. I might even say, “I just really want you, like I can’t believe how badly I want you. It’s weird because usually I’m not drawn to a woman unless we have a lot in common.”
          I once subbed for a volleyball team and became immediately drawn to the referee. She was in her mid-thirties and I was in my late twenties. We shared some interests but mostly I just wanted her… extremely wanted her. I felt like I was going to explode. I told her on more than one occasion that we had to have sex because there was just too much sexual tension between us. We fooled around a few times but she always put an end to it when I started to pull off her clothes. This went on for two years before neither one of us could stand it any longer. We were kissing in a parking lot one day when she said, “We should go back to your place and do this right.”
          I was shocked… and still somewhat skeptical. We went back to my place and till this day, it is some of the best sex I’ve ever had. It was very heated and went on for hours, simply because of all the tension we had built up over the two years.
          No doubt, many of you reading this would label me as a creep or jerk. Once you recognize your audience, though, you’ll realize that when I told a woman I just wanted to have sex with her, I was being straightforward and respectful. If she wasn’t interested—or she was disgusted—we simply parted ways; no one was hurt because no one had been misled. If a guy says he just wants to have sex, you might be offended, but that will quickly fade. (Figure one beer should take care of it.) It’s the guy who feigns interest, becomes a friend to lower your defenses and to time everything just right, or upon meeting you seems to be overwhelmingly interested in girly things—like the color canary or all the furniture you bought at Ikea or the knickknacks you got at Pier One, who is really the creep. He’s the one setting you up for a world of hurt because he is only interested in seeing you naked, too. Unlike me, though, he doesn’t have the confidence to realize it’s okay if he doesn’t sleep with every woman he wants and he doesn’t respect you enough to be honest. To him, you are just a pretty face with nice legs, breasts and a butt, not a person with feelings; thus, it is okay if he lies, manipulates, and maneuvers to nail you and then casts you aside. To me, you are a person who has feelings and it is not acceptable for me to prey upon those feelings or mislead you in any manner. In short, when it comes to me, whether we have sex or not is our decision. In his case, whether you have sex or not is only his decision.
          I realize to most of you it appears as the exact opposite but you could not be further from the truth. Think about the times you’ve been hurt; the times your relationships have failed. Did you ever feel misled? Betrayed? Bewildered? Now think about if the guy did a 180 once you started to date. Did he turn out not to be who you thought he was or who he pretended to be? Would you have seen this more clearly ahead of time had you considered your audience?
          If you’re looking for a good, long-term relationship, you must remember your audience. In so doing, you will weed out both the creeps (the ones who feign interest) and the guys who are honest about just wanting sex (good guys but not on the same page as you). You are left with the guys who have sincere interest in some of the things you like, too. These are the guys you want to date when you find yourself interested in them. They are easy to spot because they are engaged in the conversation—they have input and maintain a dialogue. The fakers of interest only listen and ask an occasional (usually lame) question because they can’t engage in dialogue—they don’t have any actual knowledge or opinion on the topic. (Also, you’ll catch them staring at you or your breasts far more often than a guy with sincere interest. People work hard to maintain eye contact when they are pretending to listen; those actually listening tend to gesture, look away, and gaze up in pondering thought when you say something that makes them think.) It all starts with remembering your audience.

Uh-oh, it’s here.  You met him out at a party or at a bar or dancing at your night job.  He called you a few times.  You’ve agreed to go on a date with him and now date night is here.  What should you do?  Call him and tell him that you need to wash your hair?  That your cat has a hairball and you just can’t leave her alone?  Hey, don’t sweat it!  Here are five guaranteed keys to a successful first date:

1)  When he asks you where you want to go for dinner, just tell him anywhere works for you.  Men don’t like women with an opinion.  Don’t say anything, even if you’ve had that kind of food recently.  For example, if he suggests Chinese food, just say, “That’s fine,” even though you’ve had Chinese food the last three days as leftovers from your visit to a Chinese restaurant four days ago.  Simply don’t eat anything when your food arrives.  When he asks why you’re not eating, reply, “Oh, I’ve actually had Chinese the last four days.”  He’ll love hearing that!

“Why didn’t you say anything when I suggested Chinese?”

Just shrug and giggle.  “Oh, don’t worry; it’s fine.”

Guys love cute, empty-headed girls with no opinion who don’t eat, no matter how much money they’ve spent on her meal.

2)  Answer your cell phone continuously and send text messages every chance you get.  Give excuses.

“I have to see how my best friend’s date is going.”

“I need to see who was eliminated from Idol.”

“I wonder what shows I’m missing right now.  I need to check.”

“These guys wanted to meet up with me later.  I need to see where they’re going to be.”

This will make you appear to be busy, important person, and to be a social butterfly, which is exactly what men look for in a woman.

3)  Ask why he’s still single.  This is a wonderful question that people love to have sprung upon them.  It also brings the date to a complete halt by disturbing the momentum of the date.  You want to break the flow or momentum to a date as much as possible.  Forget that you know the answer he will give is, “I just haven’t met the right person, yet;” ask anyway.

4)  Dress provocatively, preferably in something low-cut.  Reveal as much of your breasts as possible.  This will help him focus on the conversation during dinner.  Also be certain to ask how much everything cost.  If he’s not willing to drop at least two hundred dollars on you on your first date, he’s a cheap ass and he does not deserve a second date.

5)  When he drops you off at home, call him as soon as you get inside.  Put your cat on the phone to say goodnight.  A good man will feel the instant strong bond to your pet that you feel, accepting it with the same amount of love and importance.  No man would pretend to like listening to your cat purring on the phone just to get laid.

If you follow these techniques, your date will propose to you by the time your cat is done purring to him for the night.  Tell him you’ll think about it; you don’t want to appear to be over anxious!