Lunch is Not a Date

April 1st is the big day. That’s right, I just got word that God is a Woman: Dating Disasters will be released in its Russian version (available in Russia and all CIS countries), Tuesday, April 1st. I just got the photos and images of the book and am very much looking forward to receiving my copies of it. I must admit it looks much better than the original version. It is hardcover, has a nice jacket, and the Russian publisher hired an illustrator for the cover. (The U.S. publisher just had me take a photo of my fridge.)

It looks like Russia is playing up the sex angle. Of course, I have no idea what any of it says but a couple Russian women I met have promised to switch off and come over and read me a chapter nightly as a bedtime story. I have asked to have my copy expressed to me from Russia…

Why am I so excited about this? It is a great honor to have a foreign publisher find merit in your work, especially in the genres of humor and dating, because neither translate cultures well unless they are written just so. So, I am flattered, and, of course, hope the book does very well. I also hope other foreign publishers will pick it up, too.

Last week I mentioned my appearance as a “caller” for a radio show. The host of the show sent the message that has been mistakenly sent to people for years–men date a woman for sex, women date a man to get married. No! Men get women drunk to have sex (or, if they aren’t attracted to the woman, they get themselves drunk to have sex with her). Men and women date for the same reasons–sex, partnership, friendship, and a variety of other reasons, most of which are individualized. So, sorry, withholding sex will not get a man to marry. Do you really want to get married that way, any way? The whole notion is simply stupid.

What can someone do, then, when they are dating someone, man or woman, who doesn’t want to marry them? Should they manipulate their partner into marriage, as many experts encourage? Yeah, definitely; that’s the way you want to start a marriage…

If you are dating someone who doesn’t want to marry you and you want to marry him or her, it is time to cut your losses. Break up and stay broken up. If they come to you with anything other than a marriage proposal or acceptance, don’t listen. Cut them out. Why? Because the relationship has come to an end. It cannot grow, it cannot go anywhere else; you are in different places and want to go in different directions. Perhaps feelings are stronger for one of you than the other (and very likely).

Why, then, do couples in this situation stay together? Or break up and make up, continually (the boomerang effect)? Comfort and familiarity. It’s tough to go back out into the world of dating, especially when you know someone very well. Who wants to start over? Who wants to be alone, let alone long enough to be ready for the next relationship? So, many of us fall into the pitfall of getting back together with someone, hoping, in this scenario, she or he will change their mind about marriage to match our own.

Don’t let this happen to you. If it is already or has in the past, knock that shit off; break the boomerang effect. In the end, you’ll both be far happier. 

Screw what I wrote the other day. I’ve decided to get specific and throw down the gauntlet, so to speak.Why did I start writing a dating advice column in the first place? “Experts” like Rabbi Shmuley Boteach are why I started a column. Rabbi Shmuley has a show on Oprah & Friends radio. He recently released another book entitled The Broken American Male: And how to Fix Him. Yet another book that puts the burden on women to changed men. Gee; a shocking surprise… On March 20, I was invited to be a guest on his show. The topic was why men won’t marry and what women should do to get them to marry. If you’ve read my book or know even a little about me, you know this kind of show topic is going to illicit a lot of chatter from me. 

It turns out I wasn’t really invited to be a guest; at least, not as a peer and fellow expert. Nope. Rabbi Shmuley—supposedly a real Rabbi, mind you—and his staff needed “callers” for the show. I was told not to mention my book or expert status but to just go with the flow of the show. Okay. They told me they would call me when they were taping for the show. Fine.

They called me and I listened to Shmuley while he spewed out his advice to women whose boyfriends won’t marry them. He had three rules: Stop having sex with your boyfriend, don’t move in with him, and don’t give yourself to him until he gives himself to you. Several women appear on air with him and they debated the topic until Shmuley basically got them to agree with him or to at least acquiesce to his superior judgment.

Shmuley then took a few calls from soft spoken women who he muscled into accepting his opinion as law. Then he got to me. I ribbed him a little and had the women on the show laughing. I was annoyed because I was introduced as a caller. What? You called me. Don’t introduce me as a caller, an obvious effort to gain credibility for the show by making it appear as though men listen and call-in; it’s deceitful… RABBI! Why not invite me to be on the show, instead, to gain credibility and more male listeners?

Shmuley insisted I would marry a woman I was dating if she stopped sleeping with me. I shocked him by telling him I didn’t want to date or sleep with a virgin, and that I would just move on after a few months. He then said that if all women stopped sleeping with all men, we would marry them. At this point, I realized he was simply absurd and had no intent of offering any real, practical advice. He thanked me for calling and got me off the line as soon as he realized I wasn’t a puppet, which is too bad because we could have had a really good debate. I agreed with some of the other things he said and if he had brought me on as a peer, we could have had a really good, insightful discussion. Of course, since I was a “caller,” he also had to worry about time and getting to the next caller–quite understandably.

So Shmuley, an expert with a radio show and several books who has appeared on Oprah, advises all women to stop sleeping with men so that men will marry them. Clearly, this is unrealistic advice. So why give it? It’s pointless dribble. Yes, but it’s safe. If a woman stops sleeping with men and complains she still can’t get married, guess what? Shmuley can just respond, “Oh, that’s because all women haven’t stopped sleeping with all men. So my advice is effective, it’s just that all women need to stop having sex.” Then he can go on giving useless or bad advice. That’s why I started a column; to offer realistic, practical, useful advice and combat some of the poor, often pointless advice out there.

I’ve emailed Shmuley a copy of this column, letting him know that I am available and would be very interested in being on his show to discuss and debate some of today’s dating topics. We’ll see if and how he responds. Incidentally, the next column will discuss my views on the subject of why boyfriends—and girlfriends—don’t marry and why they still stay together when one wants marriage.

Today I was a guest caller for a radio show. I won’t get into the details because they’re not important. I was queried to be on it and then when they contacted me, they didn’t want me on as an expert, they wanted me on as a caller. (I.e. the set up was on; I was a guy calling in as I listened to the show, not a guy who they called to be on the show.) I would have like to have debated with the host, as he had some interesting notions–some good, some bad–and it would have been an engaging, enlightening conversation for both us and listeners. That wasn’t the idea of the show, though.

The topic of the show was getting your boyfriend to marry you. The core of the host’s solution? All single women everywhere should stop having sex with guys, forcing them to marry to get the goods. Such a solution is pointless. One, it’s punishing yourself. Two, it will never happen. So, what’s the point? You got me. I guess it doesn’t solve anything and the host can blame you for his advice not working because you keep having sex. It’s a great way to defend your position and look like you have ample knowledge because even if one woman complains she stopped having sex and still can’t get a guy to marry her, the host can say, “Well, other women must be having sex still, so that’s why my advice isn’t working in; it’s not on me or the advice, it’s on other women.” And then you keep listening to the show. 

The other issue is why is it a problem if you’re a woman and you don’t get married? Why is it necessary? If you want to get married and your boyfriend won’t marry you, break up. Don’t come up with ways to force him–again, the advice was pretty much stop sleeping with him. Walk away. If he wants to get married, he’ll come after you and ask. Anything less than that, tell him to stop calling and to go away. You want different things and it’s not a good idea to complicate such a relationship by manipulating the guy into marriage. Do you really think that will work out?

He doesn’t want to marry, you do, walk away. Period. If you find yourself getting unrealistic advice from a source, find a new source or at least consider a few other sources.

“Do I look fat in this?”

“Which should I wear, the red blouse or the white one?” “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”Aaargh! It’s enough to make a guy pull his hair out. We’ve all been asked them, we’ve all fallen victim to them, and we all have to deal with them. What are they? The absolutely ridiculous questions girlfriends or wives ask. We’re not going to answer whether a woman looks fat in something, we don’t know what a blouse is, and no one is prettier than our beloved. So why do they ask these questions? It’s not the answer they’re after; they’re after the WAY we answer. Why did you hesitate when she asked if she looked fat? Why did you have to look at the woman before answering she wasn’t prettier? It’s a ridiculous, annoying game, which we can never seem to win . . . or can we?  

I have never had to deal with the stupid questions women ask while dating more than once for each woman I’ve dated. What? How is that possible? What’s my tactic? I simply threaten to withhold sex for a month any time they ask a stupid question . . . woo, that was funny! I beat the question with complete absurdity. I give her nowhere to go, no reason to get angry. The only thing she can do is stop playing the game. How do I use absurdity? Here are my answers to the above questions:

“Do I look fat in this?”

“I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t paying attention. I was too focused on holding onto this chair to avoid being sucked into your gravitational pull.” 

“Which should I wear, the red blouse or the white one?”

“Wear the white one, I was planning to wear the red.” 

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

“I would sell you into white slavery if she would just talk to me.”

See? There’s nowhere for her to go. I’ve left her no room. My comments are so outlandish all she can do is laugh. And, more importantly, never play the question game with me again.

So the next time you get asked some dumbass question by your girlfriend or wife, intended to find fault with you no matter how you answer or what you say, crush it with an outlandish response. Of course, I should tell you that I think my current girlfriend is slowly poisoning me with a pinch of antifreeze in all of my drinks because of my outlandish answer, but hey, I’m sure all you guys would agree that is far preferable to playing the question game. 

All tongue in cheek aside, if your significant other asks these questions, there is a good chance she feels you are taking her for granted. She may ask which blouse you think she should wear because she is hoping you’ll notice she bought a new blouse to look good for you, and so forth. Pay closer attention and offer more sincere compliments, about things she thinks you don’t notice.

Ladies, two key things to remember about men: First, we spend a great deal of our time trying to figure out how to get you out of your clothes, which leaves us very little focus for noticing the clothes themselves, which is why we suck on clothes questions. The tighter, skimpier, sexier the clothes, the more we want to take them off, often making them even less memorable. So while an expensive tight shirt is very memorable to you, it may not be to us, because all we can think when we see you in it is “Wow!” and nothing else–a compliment to the shirt and you, just not the one for which you were looking. Second, we are with you because we think you are the prettiest woman with the best taste. When we take you for granted, you’re better off giving us a swift kick in the ass with a direct approach, as opposed to expecting us to figure out the real meaning behind your questions. Notice how men tend to communicate with each other? Very directly with jocular name calling. So next time you’re about to ask a question, try something like, “Hey, Mr. I-didn’t-notice-my-girlfriend-got-a-new blouse for this party, do you think I should wear it or this old one? Or do you even care?” You’re far more likely to hear, “Is that a new blouse? I’m sorry I didn’t notice, it looks great.” And, more importantly, he’ll get your drift.  

If I see one me article about how to get a woman’s phone number, I’m going to punch someone in the face.  Seriously; it won’t be the writer, just the next person I see.  POW!  I’ll punch them right in the face . . . then run away really fast. 

When it comes to getting a woman’s number, I’ve seen it all, from asking “write down your email, oh, and while you’re at it, put your number there, too” (she knows what your up to) to literally demanding the number if she won’t give it to you.  Then there’s the inevitable debate about when is too soon to call and when is too late; the standard is to wait between three to five days.  There are scores of articles and discussions about how to get digits, and when to call; not one about how to make sure she returns your call, mostly because the experts don’t have an answer.  Getting digits doesn’t mean squat.  How many times have women not called back?  Are you after a number or a date?  I want a date; thus, I need her to return my call.  So, I don’t worry about getting digits.\

I concern myself only with the conversation—listening to her and responding, inserting flirtatious comments when there’s an opening.  If I’m still interested, I take something in the conversation and ask her out with it.  For example, perhaps she mentioned she hasn’t been to a basketball game in a while or wants to check out some new Italian restaurant.  I suggest we go—“You know that restaurant sounds really good.  Let’s check it out.  How about next week?” or “I haven’t been to a b-ball game in ages, either; you know, I think the Bulls are in town next week, let’s go to a game.  What’s your number?  I’ll check the schedule and call you.”  (I live in Chicago.)  The typical answer is, “Ah, yeah, I think I can do that; I need to check my schedule first.”

I get the digits and continue the conversation.  Why?  Because I enjoy her company and because I come off like a hit and run driver if I rush off immediately after getting her digits.  Also, it’s quite possible that I’ll get something more than digits.  If I realize nothing is going to happen that night, or that I don’t want anything to happen, yet; a little later in the conversation I end it, tell her it was nice meeting her, and remind her I will be calling her about the game or the restaurant or whatever.  I’ve accomplished a few things. 

One, I’ve shown her that I am paying attention to her.  A lot of guys focus too much on their game and not enough on the woman.  In fact, many guys really aren’t comfortable with women; they’re comfortable with their game.  Those are two very different things.  Women notice this and one of their biggest complaints is that guys don’t pay attention to them, more commonly stated as “men are clueless.”  Two, I’ve made myself memorable.  Who knows how many guys she’s going to meet the night I met her or between that night and the time I call?  I need to stand out.  Third, I’ve created a reason to call which involves a deadline; I don’t have to worry about calling too soon and how she might interpret that because I have a clear reason.  Fourth, I’ve practically guaranteed she will return my call because, if nothing else, there is a very strong chance she will feel obligated to call and cancel our tentative date.  The bigger the first date I suggest, the greater the odds she will feel obligated to call me to cancel.  I’ve suggested expensive theater, concerts, and the symphony as a first date; way too much but that’s where the conversation went.  Fifth, I’ve come off showing lots of confidence, which women tend to prefer.  Finally, with her return call, I have the opportunity to reconnect, which is what I’m really after.

I use this practice a lot.  It’s been at least four years since a woman hasn’t returned my call.  When she does return my call and we reconnect, the result is me usually suggesting a simpler date, like a drink or dinner.  I won’t pretend that I’ve always gotten the date; I haven’t.  I do get the date about eighty percent of the time, though.  Those aren’t bad numbers—100% returned calls and 80% dates from those calls.  Like anything else, it takes practice.  If you suggest something big like the symphony in the wrong way, you’ll come off looking desperate, so start smaller.  (My background is standup comedy; trust me, timing and delivery are far more important than the actual material.)  If she talks about the symphony, for example, ask her if she likes other music; suggest an open mic night at a coffee house or something similar in reply.

This technique isn’t based on them being women or manipulation; it’s based on them being human and common courtesy.  If, as a guy, I met you out tonight playing darts or something and you mentioned you were a huge Sox fan, and I told you I had a friend who might have a couple extra tickets to the game next Thursday and asked if you were interested, got your number and told you I’d call when I knew for sure either way, would you not be expecting a call?  Would you not return my call to decline or accept the tickets?  One of the best things I ever learned was to treat a woman I liked as little like a woman as possible and as much like an average person I met, as possible.  The more I like the woman, the harder that is to do; but, the more I like her, that is precisely when it is most important for me not to treat her differently.

Quit focusing on your game and getting digits; instead, focus on listening, responding, and getting a date.  You’re not in a race to get her number or to move on to the next woman—at least you shouldn’t be; get comfortable with women, not your “game.”