Lunch is Not a Date

These appeared recently in my column for Real Chicago Magazine. Send me your questions. Also, I had to require providing your email to leave a comment due to all the spamming robots assaulting the blog. Sorry but dem the breaks.

I met a guy waiting for the bus yesterday. He was very charming and interesting. We had a nice conversation while we waited for the bus. When the bus did arrive, I was totally turned off. He stepped in front of me to get on first. How rude! I was so annoyed I didn’t sit next to him. Why are men so impolite and if I see him again, what should I do? - CTA Rider.

That’s great that you met a guy waiting for the bus. It’s a good place to meet someone. No noise, no distractions, no other guys interrupting, none of your or his friends to worry about appeasing. And he must have some confidence to approach you, out in the open where he could easily and noticeably be embarrassed. Plus, if you’re unresponsive, he has to stand there next to you, waiting for the bus. He’s willing to take that risk. So, there’s a good chance he’s a good find, at least enough of one to warrant talking more with him.

Good guys want to determine your level of interest. We’ll do minor things to see how you react, to make sure we’re not bothering you. If I meet a woman at a bus stop, we have a nice conversation, she’s laughing, but I sense she’s a little hesitant, I want to gage her interest. A great way to do that is for me to get on the bus just ahead of her. Why? I want to see where she sits or stands. My plan is to grab a seat next to an empty seat or move toward the back of the bus. Does she sit next me? Does she follow to the back of the bus or stay near the front? If she sits next to me or follows, I take it as a very good sign that she is at the very least interested in talking more. If she doesn’t, I take it as an indicator that she does not want to talk further and has no interest. I have to get on just in front of her, because if I don’t, some idiot who’s not paying attention might sit next to me or get between us. He wasn’t being rude, he was simply trying to gage your interest.

If you see him again, realize he probably thinks you are not interested. You’ll have to approach him. Ask him how he’s been doing. He’ll take it from there. When you get on the bus, see what happens. If he gets on first, sit or stand next to him. If you get on first, get on just in front of him and sit next to an empty seat or push to the back and see if he follows. Give him something to work with!

I just started dating this woman and I’m a little nervous. She’s the first woman I’ve dated who’s older than me. I’m 23 and she’s 27. I don’t have much money and she makes tons. How can I keep her interested and what are some good date ideas? - Too Young?

Met her doing some charity at a nursing home, eh? Don’t sweat it. Simple dates like renting a movie or cooking dinner work just fine. Every now and then do something special. That doesn’t mean spend a lot of money, it means show her you listen to what she says. Women want that more than anything else. I once dated someone who grew up on a farm and mentioned in passing she had never been trick-or-treating. For one date I went out and filled up my nephew’s plastic pumpkin with all kinds of candy, even the crappy kisses, candy corn, and pennies we used to get as kids. We spent the date with me showing her how we separated and counted the candy as kids. She loved it.

I’m a guy plagued by the fantasy all men have. I’d like to have a threesome. But really, really badly, like beyond most guys’ desires for one. Any ideas on how to make that happen? Wishful Thinking.

A threesome doesn’t occur the way guys think it does. Most guys think the women don’t know each other, there’s some crazy pillow fight involved, and so forth. In reality, usually the women are really tight friends and the guy is the stranger. Women talk a lot more about sex and relationships than guys and in much greater detail, so it’s not unlikely for two good girlfriends to discuss it. You’re best bet is to find two women who are really close friends at a bar or party one night who are behaving very flirtatiously. Flirt with them constantly, push a little more, add innuendo about the subject of threesomes to the conversation, and see how they react. If they don’t drown you in their drinks but instead react like the topic is no big thing, keep going and at some point make a pass at both, maybe by asking who is a better kisser. You’ll have to get the three of you alone at some point, so try to leave together and suggest sharing a cab or walking them home. Or just answer an ad.

If Shakespeare were alive today, no doubt his plays would include the complex world of Internet dating. Although sites have become quite popular and lucrative, lots of singles still avoid them; but, more and more are becoming curious and signing up or testing the waters for free. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the Cyber world of dating? Let’s find out. 

If you date on the Internet, realize that you are immediately entering a competition. Anyone you meet and like is no doubt meeting and liking others, as well. You are competing against those others. Of course, dating is already a competition, so that’s not really anything new; just an increase in the number of contestants. In cities, this is more of a problem than in rural areas or small towns, where Internet dating may bring people together in places where there just aren’t many venues to meet others, if any.

How do online daters deal with the increased competition? The same way they always do; they eliminate contestants. In life, people don’t look for reasons to date someone; they look for reasons not to date someone. Your job is to keep them from finding any, at least until you have a chance to meet in person. We’ll get to that in a moment, but first it is important to compare why women date on the Internet to why men date on the Internet.

Because of the length limitations of a column, we’ll assume that I am only talking about singles online and that no one out there is married and cheating, or a sex criminal. We’ll save those prize catches for a future column. Most women date online because they are tired of the bar scene; they are ready for a real relationship and want to be able to pick and choose, hoping to attract a select group of men by listing their requirements. Women are willing to pay for such a service. Most men date online because they tend to be very poor at meeting women in social settings, such as a bar. They are willing to pay to have a group of women available for easy approach. Men who have no problem meeting women in social settings don’t want to pay to meet them on the Internet. There are a few men who are online because they realize that the Internet is certain to provide single, available women (not always the case in social settings), and that their profile is always working for them.

Already, we see the biggest problem with online dating: the quality men women seek in their requirements aren’t often online to begin with, at least not in the large number for which women are hoping. They are there, but women will have to sift through a bunch of undesirables to find them.

All right, the moment has arrived; how do you keep the potential online love of your life from finding a reason not to date you? How do you weed out the undesirables?

Men: Don’t wink or giggle or smile or sniff at a girl, or whatever they call it on the dating site you’re using; send her an email. Realize that’s not enough; she is probably getting tons of emails. Make your subject standout and tie it and your email into something in her profile. Keep it short and ask a good, simple question, to help secure a reply. For example, I recently sent an email to a woman on match.com. She had a picture of herself with Tom Arnold on her profile. The subject of my email was “Bad News About Tom Arnold.” The subject read “I hate to tell you this, but you’re way too skinny for Tom Arnold. Where did you meet him?” She replied, we exchanged a few emails, and we had a couple good dates. Your goal is to get her to open the email, get her to reply, and to be memorable.

Be wary of women who have a lot of photos at clubs with their girlfriends; you will never be as important to these women as their friends. The other red flags are pretty obvious, like she makes no money but wants a guy who makes $100,000 or more.

Women: Make your profile short and sweet. Don’t tell guys how you love to go out, but you’re just as happy staying home; how you love to be wild at times but also like to just sit around and be laid back. This screams “I’ll be whatever you want, just show up with a rock for my finger!” Look for the same traits in a man online that you look for in a man offline. If you like wit, note how long it takes for him to reply. If he takes a week to reply with a witty comment, he is probably not that witty. If he replies quickly with a witty comment, he most likely is witty. Do you like boldness? Shyness? Watch for these traits in his emails. If you want a guy to pay attention to you, weed out the guys who email you, seemingly knowing nothing about you. (For example, one who asks you questions you’ve already answered in your profile, such as where you’re from or what you do; most likely, he’s just looked at your picture and thinks you’re hot. He probably hasn’t read a thing about you.) 

Overall, online dating helps to guarantee you are meeting single, available people. Your profile is always working for you. It can be as busy as having a second job to search profiles and to keep up with the emails, especially for women, most of who tend to get lots of them. It is not an easier way to meet and date, as many misperceive, just another way; one in which you don’t have to get all dressed up or worry about your bad breath. It is also one, though, where you don’t know if you have any chemistry with the person who you are emailing back and forth.

Don’t misrepresent yourself online. If you aren’t witty, don’t steal witty lines. If you aren’t bold in person, don’t be bold online. Eventually, you will have to meet who you are emailing and your true self will be revealed. If you intend to use online dating to hide who you are, don’t; instead, if things aren’t working, change who you are. Get witty. Get bold. Get shy. Whatever it is you wish to hide, change. Don’t be one of Shakespeare’s saps, who whines and moans, unable to change himself for no real reason. Online dating is not an escape for developing the social skills to date; it’s simply another way to meet people. You must develop the social skills to date effectively if you are to have any success in any dating medium. To change or not to change, that is the real question.            

I posted this as an article in some other places but wanted to put it here, too. It is a very important topic and needs to be addressed by society. 

I am an NIU grad, class of ‘94, and I’m drained. I’m drained from the most recent campus shooting–this time at my school; I’m drained from feeling helpless to do anything; I’m drained from feeling sad that what should be the best times in young peoples’ lives is tainted by the dark cloud of a potential shooting–it menacingly hangs over every college and high school. And I’m drained from watching the dragnet searching for blame and speculation that is always cast out into society when a shooting occurs.

Jack Thompson blames video games. (I don’t know who this guy is but as far as I know, there has been no evidence that Steven Kazmierczak, the shooter at NIU, played video games.) In a Chicago Tribune survey by Eric Zorn that asked readers to offer reasons for these shootings, one reader stated all acts of violence are done “by children or grandchildren of the 60’s generation.” Another blamed legal abortion because it sends a message that death is okay. Another blamed all increase in violence on the Internet. Another blamed discrimination and people being picked on by others. Finally, one blamed American men and asked, “What is wrong with American men?” Experts and part of the public blame guns, as well as the ease with which one can purchase illegal firearms. Other experts and a different cross-section of the public cite the inability of people to carry their own concealed firearms as the cause. Some blame mental illness.

Let’s actually look for the potential cause; the common-denominators in all these shootings, shall we? Instead of just pulling stuff out of our asses. What do all these shooters have in common? They are not all mentally ill. They have not all been picked on or discriminated against. They did not all buy their guns illegally. They are not all men. Hm. Must be something else. What? What do the shooters have in common? Three things: they are unhappy, they blame other people for their unhappiness, and they don’t know how to express themselves properly within acceptable social norms. Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Where are they learning these traits? Um, from society, schools, and parents.

We live in a culture that tells people if you’re are unhappy, it is someone else’s fault, not your own. If you’re fat, it’s the fault of fast food restaurants; better outlaw trans fat. Over 24,000 Patriots fans have signed a petition asking the NFL to review the Superbowl because they claim the clock should have ran out before the Giants scored the final touchdown. It’s not Belichick’s poor coaching (going for it on 4 & 13 instead of kicking a field goal and airing the ball out four times with 3 timeouts and 30 seconds left on the clock) or the Giants good play that won the game; it’s not the Patriots fault they lost, it’s the guy who runs the clock who cost them the game. If you don’t win the Presidential election, the other guy clearly cheated (forget that if you had just won your home state you would have won–I voted for Gore, so shut up). Remember, whatever we do, whatever we say, little ears are always listening. Little minds are always taking it in and forming personalities and rationale with the information.

We have created a culture of blame and selfishness for our children. Dodgeball, kickball, and tag have been outlawed in some schools because some kids aren’t as fast as others or get picked last, so it’s unfair. (I was bad at physics and chemistry; other kids were quite good. Shouldn’t those courses have been outlawed to keep things fair?) About ten years ago at Regina Dominican High School in Wilmette, Illinois—an all-girl prep school—a student council member mooned cars from inside a school bus on a field trip. The school kicked her off the council and suspended her. Her father, an attorney, threatened to sue and she was reinstated both in school and to the council. I worked for four years at the Latin School of Chicago, a prestigious K-12 prep school. I protected kids from strangers during recess in a public park and directed traffic after school. The school has a rule that you have to let every child play in your game at recess if they want, no matter how that child behaves. I watched kids try to play football, soccer, catch, and so forth, only to have one trouble-maker constantly take the ball and run away with it or kick the football whenever it was put down for the next play. Kids had to spend lots of their valuable recess minutes repeatedly chasing one kid. When they complained, they were reminded they had to let that kid play, that was the rule. If kids were picked on, teachers immediately interfered. During traffic, some parents and some neighbors would park their cars in the middle of the street, park on sidewalks, run the stop sign, curse at me when I made them follow the rules and be safe, and even complain to the school that I did not let them park wherever they wanted for however long they wished.

What message are we sending our kids? That they should not have to learn to live within the rules of their community; rather, their community should bend to their wills or whims. If they are unhappy, it is the community’s fault. If you’re not fast or athletic, don’t work to get better or find a different game to play; no, just make everyone else stop playing the game they love. If you make a mistake, you shouldn’t be held responsible; no, the community should be held responsible. Our children aren’t learning how to interact or socialize in a real-world format.

Simultaneously, we teach instant gratification and unrealistic expectations. Many schools hold contests in which every entrant wins. You may not be the best but you might be the most improved or the most creative; they make up all kinds of awards to be certain every child receives one. Everyone is an overnight success. Dane Cook, for example. In reality, Dane Cook has been a standup for years and invested his life savings into his website before the Internet was big. He took risk and worked hard to become an “overnight success.” We buy and push self-help books that promise us The Secret or how to work just four hours a week. My book God is a Woman: Dating Disasters is a book of my funny misadventures with women as a touring comedian. I wrote it while working at Latin (that’s called paying your dues, another reality of life kids aren’t learning), and added dating advice after each story because there are so many bogus dating advice books out there, someone needed to take a stand. They preach manipulation, telling you how to change your guy if you’re not happy (because your unhappiness is clearly his fault), or promising you they can get you into any woman’s panties, no matter how you look, what you earn, or no matter how big an ass you are. I felt it was high time someone gave some good advice: your happiness is your responsibility, no one else’s, and you can have all the things these books promise precisely as they promise, but not by practicing their advice.

Suddenly, kids hit high school and college. The rules of real-life apply, not the bs ones that have been socially crippling their characters for years. They find themselves unprotected and without a parachute for the first time (that’s the only real “overnight” event in life). How do they react? What should they do or say? They’ve never dealt with disappointment. They’ve never had to work out problems, let alone their own problems. They’re unprepared, making them far more likely to snap when they aren’t instantly gratified and far more likely to feel overwhelmed. It’s only natural they blame other people for their unhappiness; that’s what they’ve been taught and it’s totally acceptable.

Is this why there’s been such an increase in shootings? I can’t say for sure but it seems very likely and reasonable. Teens and young adults aren’t just expressing unhappiness via shootings; other crimes, drug use, and violence are all up, and most likely related to the same cultural cause. Perhaps we should be studying these factors and looking for real causes and solutions to the problem, instead of just randomly picking things out of thin air. Who is to blame for our culture and children’s behavior? Aside from them, that’s easy to answer, just look in the mirror. We’re to blame; we are society. The day you start buying and pushing books that tell you how to be successful by working hard and smart, is the day you can point the finger. Until then, put it in your pocket, swallow hard, and blame yourself.

You may donate to the NIU February 14th fund here: https://webcluster.niu.edu/CreditCard/fdn2_step1.html

I am donating all my proceeds as an author from now through the end of March (a dollar a book) to the fund. Several of the stories take place at NIU and I hope they will serve to paint a more accurate, welcoming picture of the school and its true nature. Also, fifty percent of sales of any of the other products on my site will go to the fund until the end of March, as well. I don’t have money in hand to donate, so this is a good way for me to do it. I commend NIU and DeKalb for their quick response and warnings to students. I am only sorry that they ever had to implement their prearranged strategies and pray they never have to again. Condolences to all those involved and their families.

I am an NIU alum, class of ‘94, as are my younger sister and brother-in-law, classes of ‘98 and ‘95, respectively. All of our thoughts go out to the school, students, those involved, and their families. I can’t even imagine or really comment on yesterday’s tragedy. Sometimes there just aren’t any words; only feelings–hostility, anger, sorrow, confusion, disbelief and others. I spent over two hours last night playing hard-core volleyball, just playing as hard as I could, men’s two’s. It didn’t solve anything but it did keep me from facing a situation I wasn’t ready to face. Instead of dealing with the shooting head-on all at once, I was able to slowly let it sink in during the matches. In this fashion, I became able to think about the incident and focus on it without numbness and bewilderment that would just be overpowering and crushing. Sports and physical activity have become a way for me to cope. If you don’t have any, yet, find your own ways to cope with the hardships of life; they will make you better balanced, healthier, and better prepared for whatever life throws at you.

I am always harping about how college is perhaps the best time in your life for dating. You are exposed to a variety of people, opinions, shapes, sizes, colors, and so forth. Variety is the spice of life and college provides a lot of it. It’s troubling that the possibility of a shooting hangs over every school like a menacing, dark cloud. It robs college students of focusing on becoming adults and learning about themselves, which is the purpose of college.

Why does it keep happening? We can only speculate. I hope that yesterday’s tragedy didn’t have anything to do with Valentine’s Day and shudder at the thought. These incidents do make me think about an annoying pattern in our culture, though. It’s one that I see a lot in dating and in other dating materials, whether they be blogs, pick-up manuals, or chick lit. books. It’s the notion that your unhappiness is the fault of other people. I call it the “blame game” and it’s one of the key reasons I wrote God.

Clearly, the shooters in all these incidents have one thing in common: they are unhappy. That’s it. In every other area they may or may not share traits. Some are mentally ill. Some aren’t. Some were picked on or suffered a recent breakup. Others didn’t. They are all, though, unhappy. At some point they blame someone else for their unhappiness. It is someone else’s fault. It is a view that is perpetuated in our society by the media, the government, businesses, self-help authors, PhD’s, and ourselves.

When I was a teenager, a burglar was in the news because while robbing a house, he fell down the basement steps and broke his leg because there was a step missing. He sued the homeowners and won. That’s right; it wasn’t his fault he got injured, it was the fault of the family he was robbing. They didn’t warn him about the step missing or have it fixed. Of course, they didn’t even know he was there, but that’s beside the point. You most prepare your home properly and maintain it at all times, so that it is hospitable for burglars, rapists, serial killers, and other guests.

My first secondhand experience with a campus shooting occurred while I was in college. My friend Paul attended the University of Iowa and I panicked when I heard that a graduate student there had killed several people. Thankfully, Paul was unscathed (not much happens when you ditch all your classes and sit around watching TV, so Paul was pretty safe in college). Gang Lu killed five people before killing himself. He was upset because his doctoral dissertation did not win a prestigious academic award. Only one award was presented annually and he had applied for it a few times. He continuously failed to receive the award. He planned the murders and his suicide. Who did he kill? His advisor, the most recent recipient of the accolade he wanted, the chairman of his college, and two others. He felt that he should have won and it was his advisor’s fault, the head of his college’s fault, and the winner’s fault that he did not win.

Everything is everyone else’s fault these days. I see this a lot. Readers review pick-up manuals with words like “Taught me an absolute loathing for women,” or “Women are such bitches, it’s good to see this guy come out on top.” Chick lit reviews often say things like “The author proves what we all already know; men are pigs and jerks.” If you’re fat, it’s because of restaurants and fast food venues. If you spill hot coffee in your lap, it’s McDonald’s fault. If you get drunk and flash your breasts for Girls Gone Wild, it’s the owner of the company’s fault. Everything is someone else’s fault.

Why is this “blame game” notion pushed? It’s marketable. People buy into it because it’s easier to blame others than it is to admit you aren’t the best or it just wasn’t in the cards or that guy or gal just doesn’t like you. People want excuses not solutions.

I used to blame women for my lack of success with them. I used to blame other people when I had a problem in life in general. If I didn’t get a gig at a comedy club, it was someone else’s fault.

One day I realized something: The only person responsible for my happiness is me. The same is true for you. You are the only person responsible for your happiness. If you’re unhappy, change what’s making you unhappy. Dating the wrong people? Chasing the wrong women? Women won’t talk to you? Change who you date, who you chase, and work on your conversation skills. One of the most satisfying things I see in reviews of God is “the author actually likes women and doesn’t preach manipulation, like other books in the genre.” Yup. I did much better when I dropped being crafty and misleading for simply observing and anticipating; I became insightful instead of manipulative or hopeless.

This week in a hockey match, my team was up by four goals with 8 minutes left. We were clearly the better but smaller team. Some of the other team’s players suddenly played like thugs. I was held on two occassions and shoved out of the way in another for three goals. (It’s a no-contact league, no-check league.) They scored 6 goals in the final minutes to our 1 to win the game. They knocked in a few goals after our goalie had possession. I was pissed and disagreed with the ref’s lack of penalty calling. But I don’t blame him or the other team for the loss. He called the game as he saw fit, the other team played to win. It’s my fault. I should have changed strategies at that point by playing more physical and risking a penalty myself. I should have switched the line-ups to counter their physical assault (I’m the captain). 

If you’re not happy, take steps to make yourself happy. Remember, tomorrow is today’s backup plan. If things don’t go the way you want today, tomorrow is the backup. We have tons of backup days. Work hard today to achieve your goal but remember if you don’t reach it, plenty of other chances are coming. It is very likely that Gang Lu might have won something later in life, like a Nobel. But he gave up because he blamed other people, so we’ll never know and he sealed his fate as–in his mind–a failure.

If you know someone unhappy in their lives, whether it be in dating, their job, or whatever, help them to see they can and must make changes. If you are the unhappy person, make changes. Please don’t blame other people. If you get picked on or rejected, ask yourself why? If it bothers you, change it. It sucks that people pick on people but it’s a reality of life. Sometimes it’s merited (like if you refuse to bathe and keep subjecting the public to your stench), other times it isn’t (like if you have a big nose). Before you scream, “How can you change a big nose? Surgery?” remember that I have a big nose. I used to get teased about it. A few guys called me “Ichabod Crane.” I developed wit and buried them with my own insults. I made friends with other people. Soon, anyone who picked on me got picked on by other people or embarrassed by my witty comebacks. I haven’t been teased about my nose for 19 years. You see? You can make changes. That’s a big part of what life is all about, making changes. It’s also a big part of what love is about; putting someone else’s happiness in front of your own, something you have to do for kids, who can’t be responsible for their own happiness a lot of the time, due to a lack of control in their lives.

Make changes when you need to and be happy.

Before I get started with today’s entry, a few announcements. First, one of my articles appeared as a guest article on The Breakup Chronicles today. Check it out; Lisa Steadman runs the site and is a fellow author and relationship expert. She has good tips that swim upstream against much of the traditional chick lit. advice. She is definitely good to check out.

Also, I had a weird experience this past week. I emailed several sites and organizations against violence against women; I thought they would find my last post relevant and of interest. They did. A few emailed me back, though, that they couldn’t let their readers and subscribers know about the entry because they were feminist groups and I was a man. They are strongly against sexual violence against women. They want to stop the violence. To stop the violence, they need men to stop that violence and they need to show that men are concerned about the violence, too; however, they believe they can do it all with strong women only and are bent on painting a bad picture of all men. (I’m not referring to all feminist groups, just the few that replied they thought my piece was insightful and important, but couldn’t refer women to it because it was by a guy.) What, then, is the real point of these groups? To stop violence against women? Or to bash men? If you aren’t willing to involve men in your quest, you can’t possibly stop violence against women or even get men to listen to you. You must remember to never lose sight of your cause and that you have to work with those against your cause to achieve the goals of the cause. All right, on with this week’s column about marriage:

PhD’s and other purported experts are always warning couples that marriage is a 50/50 compromise. Odd, since everyone I know who’s married or who’s been married, whether successfully or not, assure me that marriage is a 100/100 compromise. Those who can’t accept or understand the other person and expect them to change 50% of them self to compromise are in trouble. Instead, each needs to be willing to accept the other 100% without expecting changes. Yet, each must be willing to give 100%. This is why I get irritated with all those stupid women self-help dating books with titles like “How to Change Your Man” or “How to Make Him the Man to Marry” or… The message is “get him to marry you, then change him after you’re married.” My message? Marry the guy you want to begin with. Dah! Or don’t get married. You don’t have to be married.

Let me illustrate with my younger sister. (She stopped buying me birthday gifts last year, so I’m no longer at risk of losing good birthday gifts from her and can speak openly…)

My younger sister is married to a guy she dated for years. They have two kids, too. They do lots together. They go to Disney World all the time (live in Orlando). They are both outgoing and have friends or sitters watch their kids so they can hit the town or parties at friends. It’s 100/100. A few weeks ago, my brother-in-law could see my sister was burnt out with the kids. They had been behaving rambunctious all week and she is a stay at home mom. He had plans to go golfing on Saturday but he could see she was spent. She didn’t get on his case about it; she knew he had been planning the golf outing for weeks. It would be her and the kids for the whole day. That’s her giving 100.

Well, he cancelled his golf outing, declaring to her that he wanted to spend some time with the kids. He wanted to just have some daddy-kid time without mom. He took the kids to Disney World for the day, then to dinner. My sister got to spend the day alone, relax and re-energize. That’s him giving 100.

See? It’s 100/100. Don’t go into a marriage expecting anything else and being willing to give anything less.