http://www.radicalparenting.com/2009/06/21/start-to-have-a-life-of-more-and-better-choices-now-guest-post/

Of course, spread the word! The goal is always to share with more people. Shoot me any thoughts, as well. The site is:

www.bestpossiblechoice.com

http://www.examiner.com/x-3768-Dating-Tips-Examiner

There are few dating experts with whom I share views. A lot of what they preach is the same old regurgitated crap that we’ve been hearing for years, often ending with a validating, “In the end, just be yourself.” The message is all about you, you, you, and… yeah, you! Love someone? Want someone? Admire someone? Someone who has told you the interest isn’t reciprocated? All the tips add up to one giant notion: Ignore the person of interest and manipulate them into attraction via a bunch of game playing tactics. These experts are going to teach you how to control things you will never, ever, not in another million years of evolution, ever be able to control. You may trick yourself into believing you can control them and be successful for a short-time (like for two hours after filling your object of affection with four martinis), but you will never have true control, which is why your focus should be on the one thing you can totally control—yourself.

The first that intrigued me about Alan was that he uses his real name in all his work. Except for myself, I had not come across another male author on the subject for men who does so. That alone warranted discussion. (Other male purported experts use aliases, along with some of the pua’s, who used to brag about all their conquests on the Internet and keep score of the number of women they scored. I’ve always been somewhat skeptical of advice that comes from someone who can’t reveal a name. Stand in there and take your punches if you truly believe in what you preach.) After speaking with Alan, I found his views refreshing and truly helpful; hence, I wanted to interview him.

A lot of women complain to me fewer and fewer men seem to have confidence and are direct. Alan’s advice encourages men to become confident and tells them how to do so.

As is per my normal practice of being thorough, this interview is broken into two-parts and conversational. My questions are in italic and Alan’s answers aren’t. Let’s get started, shall we? Yes, because I’m writing this and you’re not.

 Alan, thank you for being available for this interview. Why didn’t you use a pseudonym for your books? What are your thoughts on techniques that make an author uncomfortable using his real name when writing a book about dating and the opposite sex?

That would be antithetical to the premise of my books. I’m all about being upfront with people and straightforwardly honest. Why “hide” my real name? But… I might use a pseudonym when I publish a potential “erotica” book related to some of my more provocative Mode One approaches. I don’t want my aunts and younger cousins to be bombarded with, “Wasn’t that your nephew who was talking about the threesome he had with two women?” (Smiles.) Ha! My mom was very proud when she heard of my sexual misadventures and told all her friends that God was re-titled Sexxx Huntman in Russia… not! She read bits of it, even though I advised her not to; mostly, she settled for my stepfather’s review that it was very funny and would have been quite helpful back in his dating days. My brother-in-law literally blacked out anything graphic before giving his copy to my younger sister for review. My older sister read it entirely as is. It is true that the more you know the writer, the harder it can be to read our particular works; but, as you point out, it has to be what it is to illustrate the point and drive it home. If you had to use three or four adjectives to describe each of your Four Modes of Interpersonal Communication, what would they be?

Mode One - Self-Assured, Upfront, Straightforwardly Honest, Unapologetic
Mode Two - Pleasant, Polite, Cautious, Beat-around-the-bush
Mode Three - Phony, Cowardly, Deceptive, Fawning
Mode Four - Resentful, Vindictive, Misogynistic, Critical So a lot of the pick up artists (PUA’s), who claim to be very confident with women, you believe are in fact not confident with women and fall anywhere from Mode 2—Mode 4, correct? That in fact most of these guys aren’t actually comfortable with women; rather, they are comfortable with their “game?”

Answer:
The main weakness in most of the behavior of the typical pick-up artist (PUA) is they tend to be deeply afraid of harsh, subjective criticisms from women, as well as abrupt rejection. When you are afraid of negative responses and/or harsh criticism, that puts you into Mode Two Behavior; when you are afraid of being rejected and/or indefinitely ignored, that puts you into Mode Three Behavior. PUA’s are manipulative in their behavior, which in turn, opens them up to be easily manipulated.

Hmm, interesting point; very insightful. That sheds a lot of light on what I mentioned earlier—the focus on manipulating each other instead of focusing on what you can control.  What mode would the nice guy be? The average guy a woman might meet at a bar? What percentage of guys do you believe are Mode 1?

Most of your proverbial “Mr. Nice Guy” types exhibit Mode Two Behavior. They can handle being rejected… especially if the rejection is delivered in a polite, not-too-harsh manner… but they can’t handle being insulted or harshly criticized by women. My estimation of [single] men in society? Probably about 5-10% exhibit Mode One Behavior consistently; About 40-50% exhibit Mode Two Behavior regularly; Approximately 25-30% exhibit Mode Three Behavior frequently and the remainder are bitter misogynists who primarily exhibit Mode Four Behavior.

Ah, we have a difference in definition on this one. I consider a player someone who is out to prove something via his relations with women. He is very vocal about his conquests with numerous people. He uses a woman’s insecurities to make her feel bad about herself, which is why players typically have few women friends. So by my definition, players fall into your Mode Three category. In a nutshell, how does exhibiting Mode One Behavior help men be more successful with women than Mode Two? You cut through the bullsh** quicker. You get right to the point about your desires, interests and intentions, which in turn enables women to be upfront and straightforward about their desires and interests. Attraction, in large part, is about quickly identifying who is on the same page as you… as far as your desires and interests… and who is not.

It is rumored that because of Mode One Behavior, you’ve experienced a lot of “Letters to Penthouse Forum” type seductions… true?

(Laughs) Yes… true. More so when I was younger than in very recent years. I was known for meeting a woman at say, 10:00pm… and by 10:30 or 10:45, we would be intimate in some manner. Like I said, Mode One cuts through the ‘entertaining fluff talk’ and allows you to get right-to-the-point.

What do you think about the label that if a woman does sleep with you within only a few hours of meeting you (or less, in your case), she is a slut?

Not by my definition. Men shoot themselves in the foot with that type of thinking. Men go out of their way to get women in bed, but then turn around and label them “hos/whores” and “sluts.” This needs to stop. When you are guilty of this, you invite women and motivate women to exhibit behavior that is very duplicitous, sexually hypocritical and manipulative. I define a “slut” as a single woman who has sex with a man who she knows ahead of time is in a committed relationship and/or a woman in a committed relationship who goes around sleeping with other men behind her companion’s back. But if a woman is single… and she makes an adult decision to have sex with a single man… that is not a “slut.” That is a mature woman. 

Check back next week for part 2 of this interview. In the interim, check out Alan’s weekly radio show, including his own guest interviews, at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ModeOne.

This past Tuesday, after a close victory in a heated hockey match, I headed out with my coed team to our sponsor bar, where many volleyball teams who play at a venue called Drucker, hang. I had met one of the woman on a team there a few weeks ago–a setter. Anyone who plays volleyball knows how valuable a setter is and anyone who knows even a little about me knows that I am always recruiting to maintain a strong, long list of volleyball players. When I met the woman, I gave her my email but I had not heard from her, yet; too bad, we needed a setter twice after our meeting. Now I stood before her and her team upon entering the bar. I spoke to her, holding my hockey sticks with my open duffel bag (broken zipper) draped over my shoulder. I needed to get this setter on my vball list and had to be careful; most likely, I hadn’t heard from her because she thought vball was a rouse and I was really hitting on her. (She’s quite pretty, so no doubt that happens a lot and I don’t blame her. I’ve never been a fan of the “bait & switch” technique but many ”experts” encourage it.) So I am rambling on, talking to her, her entire team watching me, as well. I notice her and her teammates’ eyes wandering to my duffel bag from time to time but don’t give it a thought. After all, I’m on a mission here to get another setter on the roster! I have no time for distractions. At the end of the five-minute chat, I gave her my cell digits. I then bid her team farewell and headed to the back of the bar to meet up with my hockey “posse.” Just before reaching the table, I adjusted my bag… and noticed that somehow, most likely because God is a Woman and she enjoys toying with me, my jockstrap–which I always bury at the bottom of the bag–had some how magically worked itself to the top. It was sitting above the bag, on top of all the contents. So, the entire time I was talking with this woman, telling her how we could use her for my undefeated Wednesday team when we needed a sub, my jockstrap, which I’ve owned for five years, wear twice a week for hockey, and have washed… oh… never, was mocking me. I laughed and shared the story with my comrades, who, of course, already knew and were smiling about it. So, if any women out there set, yeah, I still have a slot on the sub-list for another setter, so just get in touch… I promise to hide my jockstrap!

One reason I wrote God, which you know if you listened to my latest radio interview, was because so much advice just targets one area. Some books discuss how to get dates. Others discuss sex and better sex. If you can’t get a date, what’s the good of sex advice? If you date but don’t know how to transition to sex or suck in bed, that has it’s own bag of trouble. So, I wanted to combine the topics, putting them in one convenient area. I do the same with this columns. What’s the point of the advice if I don’t steer you in some direction to apply it? Prepare to be steered…

A new dating site, HeavenDates, is allowing you to sign up for free, currently. Don’t whine to me that you can’t meet anyone if you don’t at least give a free site a whirl. The site is more than just dating, though; they also coordinate events for daters to meet. Just like God, they combine two of the popular dating arenas into one area. Here’s a brief interview with one of the co-founders of the site; next week will be an interview with the other co-founder. It’s nice to get some insight as to why someone would start a dating site. The site itself is offering free memberships and you can find it here: www.heavendates.com.

Before we start, I want to thank Julia Weber for participating in an interview. Here we go (notice how much of what she says goes along with the tips found in this column):

Q: Are you single or married?

A: I am married with three kids: 13, 11 and 9 months old. I actually met my husband on a dating website! I was looking for someone who shared the same interests as me, which at that time I was finding quite difficult since I was new to Canada from Russia. We dated for awhile but knew he was a great match once I found out that he kept his vodka in the freezer. Being Russian that is the norm where I am from, but North Americans like to drink their vodka warm. As soon as I saw this I knew that it was love.

Q: Why did you name the site HeavenDates.com?

A: Heaven is a perfect place where all your dreams come true. Our website will hopefully make dating as close to perfect as possible.

Q: What made you want to start a dating site?

A: The internet is such a popular arena to explore and there are tons of single people in the city. Within an urban city this kind of website does not exist so my sister and I decided to do something about that. We both have tried many websites and noticed that they are all the same with no variety. So, we wanted to create a site that offered a dating experience unlike any other

Q: How did you use your experience with finding your husband through online dating as a reference for your own site?

A: Even though I was 21, had a good job and was considered to be somewhat good looking, I had no friends, dates, and knew no one in Toronto after leaving here for 3 years.

I was not looking for a husband but for someone who is fun to be with, someone who is intelligent, good looking and fun. When I started using on-line dating in 2001 I was looking just for a date to go out to movies, night clubs, restaurants…. After 3 years of dating and competing and who can drink more shooters of vodka we decided to get married. Considering that this is my second marriage- the lesson is – do not look for a husband who may or may not become a friend but look for a friend who may or may not become a husband.

Q: What have been your experiences with online dating?

A: Even tough it is online and one would think you will save time, it is actually time consuming and hard work if you want to get what you want. I think by searching and dating people with similar interests you have better chance to find what you are looking for than by searching by looks, education, etc… This is why I think HeavenDates is unique, by grouping members by major interest.

Q: If you could sum up your site in one sentence, how would you put it?

A: “Bringing zest to dating life”, “Because life is too short…” “Stop stalking and join in on the fun.”

Q: What is the biggest benefit that members will receive from this site?

A: HeavenDates is the only website that encourages you to meet people through social events catered to a particular category of interest. It is great if you have just moved to the city and are looking for a way to learn about the city and date at the same time! We encourage members to meet each other and we make it easier for them to do so by organizing activities for them to go to. The site also enables members to actually see who will be attending a particular event and therefore this creates a screening process for them.

Q: What are some of the unique features offered on your site for members?

A: Well one thing that we offer our members is discounts through the site to special events/activities that they would have not normally tried (i.e. scuba diving). This is definitely one of the benefits of joining. Also, when you sign up for an activity you can see who joined that particular event so you can prescreen the people before you go- it creates no unwanted surprises (like only one sex showing up when you are heterosexual). We give members the chance to pick their sexual preference and cater events to people who are gay or straight.

Q: What’s the best dating advice you have ever received?

A: My problem (or advantage) is that I never listen to other people’s advice. It sounds stubborn but it has actually been more beneficial to me than not because I am able to go for what I want without many fears of others’ opinions.

Hmm… sounds familiar–your friends’ opinions should never carry more weight than your own.